Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.
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Age 8: “Being a werewolf would be fun!”
Age 18: “Being a werewolf would solve all my problems.”
Age 28: “Being a werewolf is an escapist power fantasy for emotionally stunted children.”
Age 38: “Being a werewolf would be fun AND it would solve all my problems!”
them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty
Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.
Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.
She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.
Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.
I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: rewatching Frozen.
Wife: why?
Me: so I know what’s going on when I take our Daughter to see Frozen II.
Wife: why?
Me: so we can talk about both movies on the drive home.
Wife: why?
Me: cause she loves Frozen and I want to share this with her.
When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
[wife opens emergency kit after disaster] WTF THERE’S NOTHING IN HERE EXCEPT ENYA ALBUMS
Me: [trying to hide my shame] oh wow, whose are those
ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?
cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding
me: fine
This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasn’t looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart
Saw Babygirl today and 40 minutes into the movie the old white guy sitting next to me turned to his wife and said, “this is not a Christmas movie,” and they got up and left. That’s the power of cinema, baby.
What the world needs now is
a. love
b. sweet love
c. a category in IMDB that gives you a visual height comparison by actor for a given cast in a show
*driving my date to the ER*
I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.
I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25
friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?
me: whichever one makes this conversation end
George Washington died in 1799. The first Dinosaur fossil was discovered in 1824. George Washington never even knew Jurassic Park existed.
*the night I met my spouse*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
*present day, as the kids binge YouTube*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
[staring up at the sky]
ME: what does that cloud look like to you?
11YR OLD DAUGHTER: I’d say it’s a semi-transparent altocumulus, or at least something of the stratocumuliform physical category
ME: well I see a corn dog
I love my sister and even when I struggled as a teenage lesbian shes been a wonderful ally but how do I tell her that whenever we’re watching something and an unexpected gay scene happens she doesn’t have to turn to me and stare at me like this 😊
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.
[There could only be a finite number of possible outcomes to a situation that you are likely to face tommorrow]
Your Anxiety: ummm lets see!
I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still
Bon Jovi must be at least 3/4 of the way there by now.
me: is it cool if i add a little hat
person i’m tattooing: what no
me: ok [starts scribbling out the little hat]
My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.
Interviewer: so tell me your strengths
Me: conducting interviews
Interviewer: *narrows eyes*
Me: so tell me your weaknesses
Interviewer: *starts sweating*
It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.