Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 3yo was giving me a checkup and put the stethoscope on my stomach. She asked if I could hear the heartbeat, and I just got up and left. Heartbeat in my stomach? Smh ain’t nobody got time for that.

Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.

Me: Why are you threatening me?

[dinner]
SIS: I have allergies.
BRO: Nothing worse this time of year.
ME: I have a guy who couldn’t pronounce a safe word and is in a coma.

“You need to chill out, you’ve yelled at everything that isn’t a snack.”
–my 10 year old

I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.

If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey

Her: If you look up immature in the dictionary you’ll see a picture of yourself!

Me: Oh I’m immature? I’m not the one with pictures in my dictionary Karen!

Verizon: congrats you get a free phone if you spend $300 for a charger and $30 for a set up fee and $50 for a phone case and $500 for us to not be rude to you.

If you named your kid Hunter because you like to hunt, then I hate you. Who names a kid after an activity?.

*Storms off w/ his son, Kegger

So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?

My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.

Type out “My best quality is” and then let predictive text finish it! I’ll start

“My best quality is I am a worthy vessel for the demon lord Paimon who will bring about a new age of darkness. All will suffer his wrath and despair” haha so random

i’m not worried about WW111 i’ve been feeding a crow army for 3 yrs

i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?

The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.

One of the coolest things about superhero films is that they can be any genre.

Science fiction? Guardians of the Galaxy.

Fantasy? Doctor Strange.

Sleep aid? Eternals.

*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*

Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.

[First date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Date: “I’m a librarian.”
Me: “Oh, my bad.”
*Whispers for the entire rest of the date*

If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”

therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?

me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?

therapist:
No.

me:
….Knives?

therapist:
Forget I asked.

“what’s wrong with you” right now or in general

them: if you could, what three words would you tell your younger self?

me: marry a chiropractor

today at work this lady said “it’s too bad you don’t have a tip jar. i wanted to leave you guys a tip” i said we do have a tip jar and pointed to it and she said “oh…” and walked away 😭

When people ask, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”, I reply “Yes, we were best friends as children until you murdered my puppy.”

Snapes on a plane.

I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!

Said by nobody.

Ever.

My neighbor is doing yoga in the backyard. Legs behind his head and hands under his… No, wait, he fell off the roof again.

Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.