Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.
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Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: hi grayfish
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: u said that already
GOLDFISH: said what
I wish I loved anything as much as the previous owners of our house loved using a label maker
You can tell me any plot of land is an acre and I will have no choice but to believe you.
I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.
If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.
When you wake from a dream it can feel so real that you say things to your spouse like, I’m sorry I married Jason Momoa when he turned you into a florescent beetle.
“Involve your toddler in cooking!” …so dinner can take 35 minutes longer to make and they still won’t eat anything.
I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!
What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?
I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.
saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her
Narrator: “Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution”
[cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
My one weakness? Probably my unshakable belief that, despite a total lack of training, I’ll be able to do karate if I’m ever in a fight.
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
“I don’t care!”, he tweeted, again.
When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.
[1st date]
WAITER: and how would you like your steak, miss?
HER: definitely not wooden *winks across table*
DRACULA: *just glares at her*
PSA: If you end your meeting early, you let the people go. you don’t say “lets use this extra time to chat and catch up”. i don’t want to, kevin. i want to not be here.
I cannot picture a single instance where I’d be scared of a zombie called “Rob”
What’s he gonna do? Show up uninvited to brunch and make us wonder if he’ll be rude to the server again?
Ok fella, maybe you can scare me into buying your over priced insurance policies this time.
11.45: Arrived at crime scene
11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.45: Found murder weapon in drain
11.45: Realised watch was broken
How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
[at the drug store]
Employee: May I help you, sir?
Me (nervously): YEAH, I’M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING CALLED A “CHILL PILL”
KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, why didn’t you pull over as soon as I flashed my lights?
Me: Oh, I can’t see a thing without my glasses.