look scared
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“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”
-butter
What time will the Easter candy be discounted?
CVS: Mam, please stop calling us. We don’t know yet.
Ok. I’ll call back later.
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents
‘God given talent’ is a weird idea.
God: “Hmmm, I’ll give it to that kid and let the other millions work in data entry.”
According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4
Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.
How do you call a meerkat?
C’meerkat.
A shoemaker called yesterday and yelled at me because I hadn’t picked up the boots he repaired. It’s been one week. He said they’ve been there since October. (They haven’t.) I said, “WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?” He said he yelled at all his customers.
ME: What do you want for our anniversary?
WIFE: Oh I saw this cute little alligator brooch
ME: Ok
WIFE: You’re not going to write it down
ME: Nah, I’ll remember
[later]
WIFE {opening package}: Crocs?
legos are too expensive nowadays. They should go back to costing as much as they did when my parents paid for them
My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm
Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.
Everyone keep an eye on Uncle Ronnie…he’s drank about 12 Mountain Dews and just mumbled, “I’m Batman.”
It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.
I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”
I hate corporate lingo. Stuff like “core competency” or “design out the problem” or “I’m gonna need you to go ahead and do some work today”
[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
Motion detecting home security camera working well!
Wife: this is why I don’t take you shopping
Me: [hiding in the middle of a department store clothes rack] try to find me
Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…
I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time