look scared
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I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.
I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: hot milky
L: *bangs head on desk* FFS just lock him up
Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?
Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.
Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
SUPER DANCE OFF??
Cop: OH YEAH
OH YEAH?
Cop: No, not really. There’s a warrant for your arrest.
oh no
My dad was calling the cat bad so my mom said, “She’s not meant to be good. She’s meant to look beautiful.”
Please don’t ask her what she wants for Valentine’s day. She’ll say she wants nothing. You’ll believe her and we both know how it’s going to end.
One time for my child’s birthday party, I accidentally sent the kids home with whistles in their goodie bags. I lost 47 friends that day.
You fuckers don’t deserve a new year, look at the mess you made of the last one.
CAPTCHA: Select all tiles with chameleons.
ME: Oh no.
I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.
*eats it
Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?
Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot
I’ll write I’ll write I’ll write.
Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.
GIRL: wow that shirt really brings out your eyes!
ME: *eyes protruding completely out of my head* yeah the collar is too tight or something
Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
ME: I fear the number six.
THERAPIST: That’s odd.
ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.
Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.
(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?
[looking at pregnancy test]
Her: Well, it’s positive…so weird
Me: [Flashback to using car keys to open condom wrapper]…so weird
Lifeguard:
Me:
Lifeguard:
Me:
Lifeguard: I’ll say it again. We don’t handle people who are drowning financially.
me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?
taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee
Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t wanna talk about it.
ME: I’m heading to the shop
ROOMMATE: What are you going to get?
ME: [wearing a wedding dress] Compliments
Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.
I’d rather be liked than loved. When you disappoint a girl who likes you, she’s less likely to make a pact with Lucifer to destroy your life
In an attempt to be a fun summer mom (I don’t think it’s working), I bought the kids kits for sewing their own stuffies. My son is (I am) sewing a penguin. My daughter is (I am) sewing a llama. Everything is going well (it’s a hot mess and we never want to sew again).