look scared
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I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.
8: When I’m a grown up, I’m going to stay up all night
Me: I’m a grown up and I don’t stay up all night
8: Well I’m going to be a grown up with a lot of energy not a sleepy one like you
During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive
Bartender: What will you have?
Me: Whiskey
BT: Straight?
Me: Except for that one time in college.
BT:
Me:
BT:
Me: How ’bout them Red Sox?
narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-
toupeed eagle: what?
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.
When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.
I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland
I have no words
~me when I have lots of words, none of which you probably want to hear
Every change you make in life starts with crafting clothes for nuns. It’s all about creating habits.
maybe less RPGs would be about killing god if gods stopped playing absolutely banging tunes whenever someone tries to kill them
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!
*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*
Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks
Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.
Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.
most librarians are not supportive of me practicing mime despite 𝘤𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘭𝘺 adhering to the volume guidelines
Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.
Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.
Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.
It’ll teach them to share, we said.
We are idiots.
Not even a lifetime of watching horror movies will prepare you for the 1st time your baby says “hi” and waves to the empty corner of a room.
imagine you’re in the afterlife – FINALLY getting a chance to chill out a bit – when your selfish friends and family try making you talk to them through a ouija board, like omg go away I JUST sat down
Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.
If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.
*as girl walks in*
98, 99, *grunts* 100
“Wow, push-ups?”
Uhm, no? Just learning to count.
Based on my calculations, if I do one load of laundry per day, I’ll finally catch up the week after we join the nudist colony.
I hope I don’t ever have to provide an alibi because I’ll tell the truth but it will sound unbelievable, like: “At 4pm on Thursday? Oh that’s when I was posting a photo of an armadillo.”