Look, Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom.
“what about that shadowy place? by 2pm when the sun is west of its apex, it will be illuminated. is that our kingdom but only in the afternoon? what about night? what about clouds”
Simba.. who told you about science
[concert]
Lead Singer: HOW’S EVERYBODY DOING TONIGHT
Crowd: WOOOO
Me (from the back row): fine how are you
Lead Singer: I’M GOOD THANKS FOR ASKING
Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?
Me: *holds up fingers* This many.
Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.
My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
me: ah shit, 4 missed calls from my mom…[stares at door]
[FBI agents kick in door] WHY DO U EVEN HAVE A CELL PHONE IF U NEVER ANSWER IT
People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting
There’s one barista who treats me like I’m very important for whatever reason & he doesn’t let anyone else make my drink so at first I was like “Well shucks, I feel special” but now I’m like, “Is he slowly poisoning me?”
*yawning at an art museum*
“I already saw that on Tumblr.”
Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.
I just can’t handle it anymore.
Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”
30 seconds left on the microwave
~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown
Scientists named an aurora STEVE and y’all just let it happen.
Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?
Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did
£900 pound for an iPhone 6?
Airplane mode better take me on holiday
In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.
This Is total BULLSHIT! You can’t even find ACME anvils on ebay.
THIS IS WHY THE ALIENS DON’T TAKE US SERIOUSLY!
will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break
“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”~Bowling pins
[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing
Them: You’re a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?
Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.
like u make the diseases or are against them ?
Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.
Batman: Introducing, the Robinmobile.
Robin: I’m so excited!
*curtain opens*
Robin: Bruce, that’s a car bed…
Batman: You’re welcome.
Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem
My kid: “I want the new iPad like my friends, everyone has them”
Me: “And I want to vacation in Hawaii..disappointing day all around huh?”
friend saw this guy on the apps lol
“Kill it!!”
“Relax Sam, it’s just a spider.”
“KILL IT!”
Disease doesn’t care if you are a celebrity, Micheal J. Fox has battled Parkinson for 22 years, and Jamie Lee Curtis is super irregular!
