Look, Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom.
“what about that shadowy place? by 2pm when the sun is west of its apex, it will be illuminated. is that our kingdom but only in the afternoon? what about night? what about clouds”
Simba.. who told you about science
husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*
me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it
husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family
a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class
INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness?
ME: I’m told my laugh is sinister.
INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can’t be true.
ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.
Friend: check out my conscience shell
Me: you mean conch? *holds up to ear*
Shell: you saw those kids get in that van and you did nothing
[love making]
Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.”
[i cease to exist]
Her: “yeah baby.”
If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.
Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.
Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.
What if you told a joke on stage then left. Then every few minutes for the next hour you peek out the curtain to see if anyone new is laughing at your joke. That’d be crazy right? That’s Twitter.
*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?
Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.
My daughter telling me not to worry because she got her own allowance from my purse did not have the effect she intended
If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: There is snow in my paw and now you must carry me.
the short answer to this question
I’m not saying this dive bar is extra sketchy, I just figured I’d warn you that I was just in a knife fight with a cockroach in the bathroom
good news and bad news. bad news is the dog pissed on the bed
“we don’t have a dog”
*smiles getting ready to deliver the good news*
What’sApp
Me: Mom, what’s for dinner?
Mom : typing …*gets married*
*have kids*
*gets old*
*dies*
*goes to hell*Mom: Fish, honey!
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.
[interview]
“Any special talents?”
I can unlock any fingerprint reader
“By hacking?”
[flashes back to hacking off victims’ fingers] Yes
latin students necrophiliacs
🤝
enjoying a dead tongue
Me, “There’s a warning light on in my car.”
Husband, “What does it say?”
Me, “It’s just a picture of an oblong thing.”
H, “The engine?”
Me, “It looks more like a submarine.”
H, “WHY WOULD THERE BE A SUBMARINE WARNING?”
Me, “Exactly what I thought. We are so connected.”
While I appreciate that you’re bringing sexy back, if we’re not also discussing who took sexy away, we’re only enabling future sexy problems
President The Rock Obama
“Emergency Defibrillator”
As opposed to the one we keep around for fun?
Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?
my sister, since we’re at a 10-hour time difference now, which means that she lives “in the future”
10am: thinking roast chicken dinner with some steamed veggie’s and a baked potato.
5pm: ☎️ Can I get a large meat lovers pizza please
