Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?
Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc
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Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean
*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*
having children is a pyramid scheme.
elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
me: is there a doctor on this plane?????
doctor: i’m a doctor
me: my mom wants us to meet
FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Why though?
Her: You lie to me constantly
Me: Ha! You don’t just leave the man who invented the spatula!
We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.
I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…
Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.
*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…
You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..
Is this one haunted?
“No”
What about that one?
“Ma’am, none of the booze is haunted”
What kind of wine and spirits store is this?!
The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies
Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?
Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
Everybody’s gangsta until they drop their phone face down on the ground.
100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.
Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table
Cat: You aren’t my real father
Me: What?
Cat: Meow?
“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.
Breaking news:
Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
4: mommy, I don’t like you.
Me: why, what did I do??
4: *gives me a huge hug*
Me: uh
4: I only love grandma
Me: what is happening
My favourite parallel universe is the one in which, having woken from a nap, I walk over to my dog, have a nice stretch, and just as I think the praise and adoration has peaked, there is a new high as the dog warmly acknowledges my technique with an excited: “ooh, big stretch!”
If I learned anything in college, it’s that pepper spray only stings for a couple hours.
Today I quit drinking wine for good.
Now I only drink for evil.
So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.
So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.
My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.