dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:
You Might Also Like
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will
I make a lot of jokes about my husband and they’re all true, but sometimes I forget to mention how lucky he is with me as a wife.
Today I burned spinach.
Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
My 4yo said “daddy, I have two poops on my phone” and I was thankful to see they were just emojis
happy mother’s day❤️
her: wanna go upstairs
me: yes
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.
I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese
THE INVENTOR OF CLOTHES: Aren’t these wonderful?
THE INVENTOR OF CLOSETS: We need to hide those immediately.
This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.
God: you’re a penguin.
Penguin: actually I’m a spy.
God: uh no you aren’t.
Penguin: then why am I wearing this tux?
God: that’s just what you look like.
Penguin: that’s exactly what a spy would say.
God:
Penguin: isn’t that right…00Heaven.
I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
please don’t celebrate april fools’ day if you’re not a fool ❤️ my culture is not your costume
After my virtual doctors appointment I had a nap so good that I forgot I was in Vegas, woke up, and scared the shit outta myself.
brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys
And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.
[Garden of Eden]
Adam: [petting the first dog] I’m gonna call you Man’s best friend
Eve: I thought I was your best friend?
Adam: I love you
Eve: aww I love you too
Adam: oh…I was still talking to the dog
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia
Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.
thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation
[coaching little league]
KID: did I do good today,coach
ME: you ate 4 dandelions in the 3rd inning alone, Brayden
A haiku about getting the kids up for school:
Get up get up get
Up geT UP GET UP GET UP
Great there goes the bus