Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m ‘confuses systems of measurement’ centimetres old.

you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and

shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.

so you jump to death from the check-out desk.

Calm down check out guy, you don’t have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn’t be in Quickie Mart..

In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.

Me: C’mon, baby. Just the tip?

Her: No!

Me: Awww, cmon!

Her: No, you’re paying the whole bill this time.

Beware of fowl play.

My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.

[haunted house]

FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes

Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.

*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now

“The truth has finally been revealed” around the world:

5. The cat is out of the bag (English)
4. The bunny is out of the hat (Czech)
3. The pigeon falls out of your mouth (Romanian)
2. The turtle’s feet have appeared (Taiwanese)
1. Now the monkey comes out of the sleeve (Dutch)

The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.

Bartender: I see bread people.

The way my phone’s facial recognition pretends not to recognize me, you’d think I dated it.

You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie

*yells up to treehouse*
me: what are you girls doin?
them: *yells back* chattin and braidin!
me: *climbing up* WAIT ARE THOSE BOY’S NAMES, I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE

In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter

10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.

Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.

I truly believe my daughter can be anything she wants to be but after seeing how she plays with mr potato head I really hope that isn’t a doctor

People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.

Nooooooooo!!!
🌴🌿🪸🍀🌳

Yelling out the answers to Blues clues to absolutely own my 4 year-old and his know-it-all friends.

Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?

ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too

FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket

BARISTA: Thanks for coming. Enjoy your coffee!

ME: Thanks. You too!

BARISTA: You too? Oh no. Not again.

*pours ninth cup of coffee for the day and drinks it while excitedly sobbing

We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.

My Dad absolutely hated it when I left lights on in a room:
Him *flipping switch*
Up means on and down means off…OFF. See how neat that is?

Me: And this is something that’s important to you?

He didn’t seem to be fond of smartass comments either.

Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.

Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.

Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?

Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.