Look son, every man is nervous the first time. Just take a deep breath, walk up to her, look her in the eye and ask her for directions.
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“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*
Me: Somewhere out there my soulmate is watching this same murder documentary and eating a block of cheese in her sweatpants
My husband:
me: righty tighty lefty loosey
frankenstein: stop
me, recommending a book: this book DESTROYED ME. this book RIPPED MY VERY BEING APART. i read the end sobbing in a fetal position on the floor and i didn’t move for three hours. please read it HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT
Living the best life.. 😊
Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.
Ad: Buy 4, get one free.
Me: I’ll take 10 then.
People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving
Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band
“Are you on Facebook?”
“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
..Mescaline”
(Nailed it)
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie
Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
“How much for this melted ghost?”
Sir that’s a bed sheet
“You have a lot of them! And they’re packaged? IS THIS GHOST HELL”
This is a Macys
I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
What I say:
Get dressed
Brush teeth
Get in the carWhat my kids hear:
Have a snack
Shriek like monkeys
Open 3 umbrellas indoors
Go poop
Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.
this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!
Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.
[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]
Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
🤣🤣
[2.13am]
me: when cows die do they become cow ghosts? imagine being haunted by a cow ghost.
him: *deletes my number*
I said something about March 31st and my husband said, “Honey, there aren’t 31 days in March.”
Friends, with the most-bro-is-always-right smirk, he pulled his phone out to fact check my ass and then said, “Ha Ha Just Kidding! You know I was kidding right? It was a joke.”
Boss: You’re late!
M: It’s 6.30am
B: You start at 6am!
M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.
And now we wait for HR.