look son, i kinda need you to go to hong kong & win a martial arts tournament to the death for me because i sorta told my neighbor you did
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I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.
Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805
Do you think anyone fired from Twitter is decamping to their picturesque home town where their parents are about to put them in charge of a local Christmas project, and their only assistant? a handsome carpenter (who’s single)
My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.
The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.
I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.
Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again
if this is wile e. coyote again I’m gonna be so mad
*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad!
1. name
2. address
3. email
4. where are drugs
*mustache falls off*
Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I’m snoring we end up having sex. I’m beginning to question whether or not I snore.
Doctor: How your diet?
Me: My what now?
I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.
If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.
Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.
If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.
The only thing I DON’T like about renting a summer cottage is having to adapt to a new kitchen. You reach for the chef’s knife but pull out the bread knife because the handles are identical! And there’s NO time to make another selection because the killer is coming right at you.
I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say
*puts words between two asterisks*
i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
broke: animals can’t go to heaven because they don’t wait til marriage to have sex
woke: u can teach a parrot to say the sinner’s prayer, parrots will be in heaven, parrots everywhere
[pre-op]
Me: In just a few minutes we’ll administer your euthanasia.
Patient: Don’t you mean anesthesia?
Me: Sure. Whatever.
When my kids wanted candy conversation hearts, my husband explained that they’re seasonal, and my 7yo said, “well the government could force stores to sell them.”
Your move, government.
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.
I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.
I like how all these people are acting like they’ve never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.
My 3 moods:
1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit
her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?
me: bears
what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?