Look, the hug is over when I pat you on the back. I’m tapping out, b****.
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Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.
I miss this era type of pranks😭
They’re called werewolves.
[Inventing Canadians]
Angels: *giggling* omg they’re SO nice!
God: Oh yeah? Check this out. *drops hockey puck*
German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.
imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”
Witch 1: *crying* the doctor said I can’t have kids
Witch 2: oh no, why?
Witch 1: I need to watch my cholesterol
My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.
I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?
I’ve just had a rejection for a submission I made two years ago. Can I tell them that the book was accepted, published, reached the top 100 in the Amazon Kindle chart and I’ve since had another book published with a new one out this month, or is that just too much? 😝
Mary brought in donuts.
Jim took the only Boston Cream.
Jim knows those are my favorites.
I slipped a laxative into Jim’s coffee.
I pulled the fire alarm.
We are on the 39th floor.
Jim should learn to be more considerate.
My plan for quarantine: only let one child in the house at a time.
Bad day? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Unmotivated? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Don’t like rap? Listen to 90s rap Problem solved
I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.
Have kids so that you can remind them constantly about something only to have them look at you each time as if this is the first they’ve heard of it.
“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.
A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.
Ghost hunting is just an excuse to hang with the fellas in the dark
Harsh but fair
There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade
I’ve had so much tea trying to get rid of this cold that I’m now speaking with a British accent and am fascinated with the Royal family.
Feeling stressed out?
Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever’s bugging you.
I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.
Sometimes I shock myself with the smart shit that comes out of my mouth then other times I try to start the microwave with my debit card PIN
Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
You look like the type of person who thinks oral is gross, but eats McDonald’s.
*with the intention of bragging
I just won $7 and a free play on my lottery tickets. Only cost me $36 to achieve this
sorry to the aisle people but window is so unbelievably superior….I am gazing upon the universe from heights pilgrims only dreamed of and you are just….closer to the poopoo room. A place I already go all the time.