Look, the hug is over when I pat you on the back. I’m tapping out, b****.
You Might Also Like
Those who say English majors won’t succeed in the work place underestimate how much creative writing is needed when completing the annual employee self-evaluation.
[Father’s Day]
ME: I got you this meat thermometer. Hopefully it works well…
DAD: Hopefully it works medium and rare too!
Area 8-Year-Old Formally Rescinds Hunger Complaint Following Mother’s Insulting Banana Offer
I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.
Monday
When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?
Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.
Filling a thermos:
weird that the doc wanted a stew sample
I think there is a delicate balance with photo filters. You may want to get rid of your wrinkles but you don’t want to blur out your nose.
Silence is golden
But duct tape is silver.
One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy
14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are
Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still.
it’s amazing how alcohol feels great and also has zero negative longterm side effects
Cashier: You’re the first person to not buy flowers or chocolates today.
Me: * looks down at burrito and donuts *
It’s still love though.
An avocado is a vegan kinder egg
Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
“What time is it?”
*pulls out phone, checks Twitter, puts phone away*
*Still has no idea what time it is*
Some will get it! Hmm 🤔?¿
One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.
I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.
*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’
The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.
Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector
This tweet is brought to you by Tesco
Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.
no one:
no one:
8: if there is a Hell, I’d like to take a tour
*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek*
“Make a wish,” I say.
*I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*
I caved and put on a movie for my kid and her playdate but told her in this house we call movies “arts and crafts” in case her parents ask what she did here.