Look, we don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you to out a little bit to decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “Oh, she’s being weird again”
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“Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?”
I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves
Weird old lady in the elevator complimented my thongs. I was disgusted. Hours later that I realized she was talking about my sandals.
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
[Interrogation room]
Me: *throws chair at wall* TALK
Chair: OK OK…the beast keeps the rose in his chambers
Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
*Husband brings entire purse*
Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don’t get distracted from your job.
[ working from home ]
Me:
My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.
GUY WHO INVENTED CELEBRATING BIRTHDAYS: *is born* Ok wow like what an accomplishment
MOTHER: For me?
GUY: N- HELL no. For me. Please shut up
Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent
My toddler stole bacon off my plate.
We all had a good laugh.
Then I made her move out.
Bruce Willis: There are four elements, right?
Producer: Go on…
Bruce: What if there was a FIFTH element
Producer: Love it
Bruce: Ok, you know there are five senses…
[Half an hour later]
Producer: Please, I have a family
Bruce: So what if there were TWELVE monkeys?
Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.
Kidnappers: We have your husband. Send us $10,000 if you ever want to see him again.
Me: Where I should drop off his clothes?
The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
Every time I take out a sleeve of saltines, my dog suddenly awakens from her deep sleep and I gotta show her one so she can be like “oh yeah lol fuck that” and go right back to sleep
law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class
me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now
Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir
(first date)
Me: *hyperventilating*
Him: Don’t be nervous. Take a deep breath.
Me: Can’t. I’m wearing three pairs of Spanx.
I once stayed at an Airbnb where the bathroom had a jacuzzi, a heated floor and warmed towels. I prefer hotels now, because I don’t have to be forcibly removed from them.
Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.
Period tracker: 196 days late
Me: *wears white pants
Period: I’m ready for my comeback
Marrying a trad wife only to find out she is too busy creating trad wife content to cook and clean
When people ask if I’m being serious or if I’m joking, my answer is always yes.
Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.
Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
having a room in your house where there is a car and a refrigerator is crazy to me
Barista: Name?
Me: Lotta Sexhaver *wink*
*Time passes*
Barista: Got a latte for Virgin McLiar
Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.
how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things