Look, we don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you to out a little bit to decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “Oh, she’s being weird again”
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Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds
My 1yo is crawling around on the floor eating a pretzel, which shouldn’t be a problem except I don’t remember the last time I bought pretzels.
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You travel 3500 miles to the breathtaking 15th-century mountaintop Inca citadel, Machu Picchu. The gift shop is not great.
listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth
Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
Google search history:
Marawana
Marjawana
Is there a j in marawana
Wheat
Wheat for smoking
Free wheet
Plenty of tweets about normalize this and normalize that. Not enough about carmelizing this and that.
If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”
More like “science UN-fair”
*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*
*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon
didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off
Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?
Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down
kidnapper: [opens trunk] get up
me: ʲᵘˢᵗ ⁵ ᵐᵒʳᵉ ᵐᶦⁿᵘᵗᵉˢ
Kids: [not eating their chicken Alfredo I made them]
me: eat!
7: it’s not fair
10: yea
me: [eating a giant donut for dinner] what? IM AN ADULT.
5: poop head daddy.
friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
[reflecting on past]
“Ah, yes. I see what the problem is. See all of this?”
*gestures at everything*
“All of this is wrong.”
“40 times.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.”
“Okay, so what’s your point?”
“My point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.”
Stranger man at the beach asked me, “Y’all got a boat?” I said we have three, but they’re old Fisher-Price models.
It took him a moment.
[giving best man speech] can I say something without everybody getting mad
The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
[my first day in a drug cartel]
kingpin: where’s the coke
me: is pepsi ok? hehe
[later]
police: this is the most bullet holes we’ve ever seen in a single body
[Ice Cream Truck]
John Cena: I’ll take an Icee, please.
Ice Cream Truck Driver: Icee? You?
Cena: *grabs driver’s shirt* No, you can’t.
Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.
He was a t8er boi. My little potato boi
Me: “The doctor said to gargle with salt water when you have a sore throat.”
Kid: “Do we even *have* salt water at home?”
Me: “Oh, boy.”
“Do you believe in evolution?”
“No”
“Global warming?”
“No”
“Racial Equality?”
“No”
“Then what makes The West superior?
“Science! Logic!”