Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I need to go outside and shovel but it’s so cold

My girlfriend: Want me to help?

Me: No I th-

My Girlfriend: Okay

A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.

The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant

I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!

Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*

*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in

It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.

Even when food is heaven on Earth

my husband adds hot sauce till it tastes like satan.

therapist: and how do we react to conflict?

me: with sarcasm?

therapist: try again

me: oh sry how’s this? dEfInItElY nOt WiTh SaRcAsM

therapist: much better

[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie

My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.

I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.

I am going to learn to astral project or I’m going to sleep trying.

My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.

He’s 21 and home for the summer.

It doesn’t get better.

[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed

My brother and his girlfriend were complaining about jet lag in Paris so I told him to think of it as training for when they have children and never sleep again. Except they won’t be in Paris.

[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS

me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered

everyone on this work call:

No one girl should have all that power. 😂

I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?

So I went to the Doctors yesterday to ask him if he could give me anything for awful wind.
He handed me a kite !!
#mondaymirth

As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.

Explaining email to a time traveler: It’s like a mail but I get it on my device. For example *pointing at American Red Cross email* this person asks me for some of my blood, every day.

[Bar]
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they say

ME: That’s interesting

HOT GIRL: No it isn’t

I hate it when pretentious people try to use big words to make themselves appear photosynthesis.

Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.

[White Castle]

YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.

ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.

The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. They never tell you it’s downhill and you’ll be wearing slippers when it happens.

“You can have sex with my sister over my dead body”

“Umm, I appreciate the weird offer, but I’m just gonna do it in my car”

Maybe Bowser is mad at Mario because he’s terrible at plumbing, flooded with castle with lava, and left exposed unfinished pipes everywhere…

I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.

Oh, you like Five Guys hamburgers more than In-N-Out?
*unfollows
*blocks
*stews
*hires assassin on Craigslist
*unblocks to monitor situation