“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”
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Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster
GEORGE WASHINGTON: We should put “We Trust In God” on our money
THOMAS JEFFERSON: Great idea. Did you get that?
YODA (taking notes): Yep
There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.
“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.
In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes
i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
Hello, my name is Graeme, I have a PhD in computing, and I am a senior accessibility consultant, but when I want to type “é” on a Windows laptop I go to Beyoncé’s Wikipedia page and copy/paste the letter from there.
Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.
I’ve lost my pet pigeon in London. His full name is Immanuel Kant, but he’s a bit old and deaf, so if you’re in London, please go to Trafalgar Square and keep shouting “Kant” as loud as you can, and see if you can find him for me. Thanks.
#NationalPetDay
I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.
Take them to a sporting event on your first date. You don’t want to waste time dating someone who claps like an idiot.
Me: I’ve decided to be a mermaid so I can sing and swim all day and have a coconut phone
Him: But, you hate coconut?
Me. Why the hell would I eat my coconut phone? Ugh. It’s like you don’t even understand reality.
Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps
When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.
Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
I’m about to lose 20 pounds.
*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.
Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.
Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.
Sure, Billy Joel can make love to his tonic and gin but when I do it, I get a PH imbalance and a lifetime ban from my favourite bar.
me: hi i’m on the list
security: there is no list this is kohl’s
me: *slipping him 20 dollars in kohl’s cash* to the VIP section my good man
which auto response should i send back to my dentist?
Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?
[petting a cat]
Owner: He’s my little fur baby
Me: Oh ok, so you must be his skin mommy
HUSBAND: Do you want to
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
HUSBAND: I didn’t say anything yet.
ME: Sorry, go ahead.
HUSBAND: Would you like to go
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
It doesn’t matter if you’re filming a segment for TV or not, if you’re hanging out with Tom Cruise, at some point you’re jumping out of a plane
Me: Would you tell a friend or co-worker if they have bad breath?
Wife: Of course
M: Even tho it’ll upset them?
W: Yes, must be cruel to be kind
M: *handing over mouthwash* You’ll be needing this, then
W: I despise you
hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping