“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”
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Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it
Can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Yes that was when I worked really weird jobs that I don’t want you to know about
Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex
Me: *points to donut case*
Her: How many would you like, ma’am?
Me: Yes.
Passed a homeless guy begging on the sidewalk. Had a twenty in my pocket and asked myself “Do I want this twenty to be used for drugs or alcohol?” I thought “Absolutely not.” So I gave it to the homeless guy.
my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents
Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough
As a man I’ll never know the what the pain of child birth feels like. But I’m guessing the pain of stubbing your toes has to be really close.
Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.
Whenever Becky says anything in the breakroom, I just say, “well, that got racist pretty fast” and walk out. I hate you so much, Becky.
I think we should hear other voices.
The nurse said take everything off except bra and panties, but all I have under my dress is a tampon string I wish I could pull to parachute right outta here
Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.
Them: The meek shall inherit the earth
the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good
Texting wasn’t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You better click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.
when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold
Wouldn’t it be WAY weirder if Taylor Swift DIDN’T get all excited at her boyfriend’s games? Like, what if she just sat there, stone-faced?
The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi
[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it
[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair
1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”
[pronounces “pineapples” like “minneapolis”]
“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body
My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.
Chairman: I’d like everyone to go over what they chose as their mascots.
Burger King: A king.
Wendy’s: A joyous child.
Mcdonald’s: I didn’t know we- um, a clown? Like a big nasty clown.
Chairman:
Mcdonald’s: A big nugget. Maybe purple. No wait how about a moist little thief?
Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!
It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
even the youngest member of The Breakfast Club is now 53, so it’s less ‘don’t you forget about me’ and more ‘I don’t remember why I came into the room’
“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.