Look, we’ve all dreamed of seeing a car caught on a rising bollard. Don’t pretend you haven’t.
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There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will
[1st date]
Me: [putting my jacket over my dates shoulders]
Her: “Thank you but I’m not cold”
Me: [covering her awful dress] “Yes you are”
You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.
“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
Pizza is a good argument against nihilism.
“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone’s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?
“OK men, spread out.”
“Oat?”
“What?”
“Spread oats?”
“Spread out.”
“One oat?”
“Dammit.”
Why US/Canada joint military exercises don’t work.
[Pixar Studios]
HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *backseat full of penguins* Um, I’m guessing the aquarium called?
michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe
Him: I like your vest.
Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.
Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry
I buried our dead snowman in the neighbor’s backyard
I just found a human tooth and a pair of underwear in my purse. I might be a serial killer or I might be a mom, you’ll never know.
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
Imagine having a day like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar where you’re incapable of lying. I bet you’d all stay off Twitter for the day?
People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer
My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.
“I take pride in my job. I transport the worlds most precious cargo”
-oh, u drive a school bus?
“LMAO Hell no! I’m a drug smuggler u nerd”
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search