LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB
You Might Also Like
If you know, you know
I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches
Toy Story (1995) – A cowboy & a deluded astronaut battle over who gets to sleep with a 6-year-old boy.
Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.
I borrowed $20 from my 11-year-old and she mentioned something about interest. What the hell are they teaching kids in school these days?
Took my 4-year-old to an amusement park and she loved one of the rides. She will not stop asking when she gets to ride the escalator again. Money well spent…
My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.
idk flipping houses looks really hard
imo funniest unshakeable ex-catholic instincts are call-and-responses like ANY time i hear “may the force be with you” i think “and also with you. lift up your hearts. we lift them up to the lord. let us g
*At the ouija board*
Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…
Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G
“Woah woah hey woah”
[me attempting to breakup a fight]
PATIENT: I’ve been so stressed out lately. What can I do?
DR DOG (tail wagging like crazy): Studies show that petting dogs relieve stress
the most efective way to clean ur room, start a creative project, run errands, cook, brush ur teeth and take a shower is to study for a exam
I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.
Me: okay yeah, cool Wu Tang shirt bro, bet you can’t even name one song.
6 month old baby: ……..
If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.
Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”
Me: Uh huh.
Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”
A woman just dropped a £10 note next to me. I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?’, so I turned it into wine. I bought wine.
please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.
Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.
eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.
What happened to the metaverse? Are people still stuck in there? How can I help?
Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.
This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.
This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.
“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne
I tried to be domestic & cook. Microwave is on fire. A waffle maker, 3 pans, a toaster & my neighbors cat in the trash. Making soup is HARD!