Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun

When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.

Me: I think our son is feeling ostrichsized

Wife: Don’t you mean ostracized?

*son enters, feathered, elongated neck and legs*

Me: No

Damn I went from ‘I miss the bird songs’ to ‘all right that’s a lot of chatter for 5 am’ pretty quick

*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*

[comedy club]

GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?

TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it

I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”

A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.

Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you

Stranger: I’m going to punch you in the face now

Me: Please don’t

Stranger: It’s on sale 🥰

Me: Omg 3 please

I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.

Me: 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶

Friend: Cry

Me: *crying* 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶

My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”

cow = cattle

farmer = cattler

rennet = catalyst

*rennet is an enzyme in cows’ stomachs that helps turn milk into cheese- this is a fast, faster, fastest pun and I just really want you to like me

i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent

GUY 1: Why can’t we skip rope without society judging us?

GUY 2: What if we occasionally beat the crap out of each other?

Boxing is born.

Me: You said everything in here was edible

Willy Wonka: Yes, but-

Me: *takes another bite of Oompa Loompa* Tastes like a circus peanut

*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
I wish for World peace.
Genie: Can’t do it.
Million dollars?
Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.

Me: do you love me?

Siri: I’m only your assistance.

Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.

Siri:there are two bridges near you.

you’d think someone in the room would’ve spoken up like “hey guys maybe it’s a bad idea to make one ring to rule them all”

my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much

me: let me out then

Wife: “Sorry, but my OBGYN said no sex for six weeks after childbirth.”
Me: “Oh, ok. What about…”
Wife: “My dentist said six weeks too.”

It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past

You know what they never show in superhero movies or comics? How do flying heroes know where they are? You’re too high up to see landmarks or street signs. I’m pretty sure I’d have to fly with my phone out the whole time.

What I was warned about as a kid:
*Strangers in vans
*Gum taking seven years to digest
*Quicksand

What I wasn’t warned about as a kid:
*Arguing with a computer that I’m not a robot
*Being sad when my favorite spatula breaks
*Meeting a “pickleball influencer”

My 12 yr. old girl is having a sleepover tonight.

She told me, “DO NOT EMBARRASS ME!”

I’m considering twerking to Ace of Base later.

Me: Man I love the eighties

Grandparents: We have names

[My funeral]
Friend 1: So how did he die?
Friend 2: Mistaken identity
F1: What happened?
F2: He mistook himself for someone who could outrun a freight train

Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.