Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[in the bedroom]

HER: you got some in my hair

ME: whoops my bad

HER: and in my eye

ME: sorry I can’t control it

HER: have you ever painted before

Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?

I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.

ME: I assume you don’t want your dog to see this?

*slides over pic of him with another dog*

JUDGE: *sweating* Bailiff, release this man.

This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married

crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free

i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited

Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.

God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine

[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.

You never really know if you’re out of invisible ink

My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, “how did the job interview go?” in front of everyone.

I had a professor who threw a big hissy fit about how he needs “detailed proof” of why you’re going to be absent only for him to get mad when I sent him pictures of some pads and Midol I bought and the receipt? Play stupid games win stupid prizes dude

Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.

Me: Same.

Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.

It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.

[airport]

GF: I guess this is goodbye

ME: I told you, I’m not very good at goodbyes

GF: [crying] Goodbye

ME: [trying real hard] Hello

COP: do you know why I pulled you over?

ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no

cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil

pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed

*kicking in your front door*

I’M GONNA REARRANGE YOUR FURNITURE IT LOOKS STUPID

Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife

I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete

MY DOG’S VET: who’s a good boy? who’s the handsomest boy? does you wanna cookie? does the handsome good boy want a cookie? does the handsomest best boy ever want a cookie?

MY DOCTOR: you look fatter and paler than I remember, sit down

*hears recording of my voice*

Me: Haha! Do I really sound like that?

Judge: Please refrain from commenting on the state’s evidence.

Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.

Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.

Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.

Me: So it’s kittens… driving sports cars!!

Studio Head: I need security up here NOW.

Me: PLEASE DON’T REJECT “THE FAST AND THE FURRIEST”

There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.