Look what the cat dragged in!
*freaks out remembering I don’t have a cat and house was built on top of a pet cemetery*
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Maybe if you knew Garfield’s parents were murdered on a monday by anti lasagna activists you wouldn’t be so judgmental.
ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.
me: WHEN I WAS YOUNG WE HAD TO PAY FOR LONG DISTANCE CALLS
a young person: that sounds terrible
me: IT WAS
I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
me: stop calling me names!
bully: shut up names
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
It’s crazy that we get one toothbrush as a kid and we have to use it once a week for the rest of our lives.
*trying to remember something*
brain: put your hands on hips
Jesus’ Greatest Miracles:
3) Turning water to wine
2) Raising Lazarus
1) Maintaining a milky-white complexion in a desert climate for 33 yrs
Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?
Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.
Therapist: what? No.
First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*
People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too
Zeus: And I will call it, “Pegasus”
Me: *Crossing out “Mareplane”* Oh yeah no that’s great
son: Where’s mom? I need her to sign my permission slip
me: I can do it
son: My teacher said it has to be an adult
Whenever I motorboat a stripper, I spend more time on the left boob cuz its closer to the heart. I’m a die hard romantic.
[grocery store]
CUTE GIRL {bumps into my cart}: Oh, I’m sorry…that was on accident
ME: Well you know nothing ever happens “on accident”
CUTE GIRL {flirtatiously}: Haha, so are you saying…
ME: Yes, the term is actually “by accident”
Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.
*Gets left on read for hours*
Me: “I’m never talking to them again”
Them: *Finally replies*
Me:
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world
Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.
Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
Me: But I’m sweaty, I’m anxious, my heart rate is up
Doctor: This is the 3rd visit I’ve had to tell you I can’t treat being offended online
Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”
bartender: what’s wrong with you
best man: they kicked me out because i dropped the mike after the wedding toast
bartender: well that’s excessive-
best man: mike is the groom
I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.
[restaurant]
WAITER: are you ready to order
DAD: i’ll have the rabbit stew
WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after i bring it
DAD:
WAITER:
DAD: i’ll have the chicken
[Dinner table]
Son: no! I don’t wanna!
Me: you want to be like Popeye don’t ya?
Son: …yeah
Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.
Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life
iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing