@Dawn_M_

Look what the cat dragged in!

*freaks out remembering I don’t have a cat and house was built on top of a pet cemetery*

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@2browneyedboys

me: it’s our third date, you know what this means

him: *confidently* I think I do

me: *saves his number in my contacts*

@garrettn

Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against your religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because you’re on a diet.

@PinkCamoTO

My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.

@TweetPotato314

clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year

me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky

@Jandalize

Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?

@Fickle_Filly

The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:

– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us

@Carbosly

If there’s a zombie apocalypse, I’m becoming a zombie.
Walking around doing nothing & eating non-stop seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.