@Dawn_M_

Look what the cat dragged in!

*freaks out remembering I don’t have a cat and house was built on top of a pet cemetery*

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@juliussharpe

Fun tip – instead of going on vacation with a baby, stand outside until you’re sunburned, then light $1,000 on fire.

@Crunk_Jews

[first date]

Her: I like a guy who gets a little nasty

Me: [puts hand sanitizer away] I used a gas station bathroom once

@amateuradam

There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman. So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.

@AbleLikes

People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.

@BCMontgo

[zombie wedding]

Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*

@Juicedballs

Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas

@LeBearGirdle

*eulogy*

Mom: [thinking] I hope he didn’t bring his banjo

Me: dad always hated my banjo

M: whew

Me:[reaches into case] but he’s gone now

@Mirimade

Me: My beautiful daughter, I would cross oceans and move mountains for you. I would fly into the darkness if I knew it would make you happy.

Daughter: Can I have a Dorito?

Me: I’m sorry but these are, unfortunately, my Doritos.

@Nahdude83

Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day. Give a man a jelly fish and you can pee on him.

@BoozeWallet

*opens kitchen garbage to discover there’s no bag in it*

*walks 6 miles to gas station to throw out kleenex rather than putting new bag in*