Look what the cat dragged in!
*freaks out remembering I don’t have a cat and house was built on top of a pet cemetery*
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[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one
Needed one cotton ball. Two were left. Took both so one wouldn’t feel lonely.
I also have strong feelings about the last two pudding cups.
I haven’t received any good news lately. I’m starting to think that 5th grade fortune teller at my nephew’s fall festival may have been a fraud.
Someone told me that Jaws isn’t even a real shark and that he doesn’t live in lakes. That’s the craziest talk I’ve ever heard.
A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.
If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.
My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.
[landlord walks in apartment]
“I told you no pets!”That’s a stray gerbil.
“And those fish??”
…stray fish. SHOO FISH, SCRAM
New machine at the gym is weird. I cant figure out the sets but for a dollar it gives me a Snickers when I hit E4.
Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?
I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
Just overheard at the library:
“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”
[team dumps Gatorade on head coach after victory but head coach just happens to be the Wicked Witch of the West]
COACH: you idiots *melts*
nothing saves money like being antisocial
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”
My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go
accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off
If you like more than one type of pasta does that make you bilinguini?
Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]
Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?
Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.
One time I was talking to a really cute med student, we were flirting and laughing and it all looked promising. Then I sat down on a chair and it collapsed under me and shattered.
Anyway that was 26 years ago and I haven’t sat down since.
got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions
Wife: I told you to baby proof the house!
Me: I did. That baby has no chance if it comes in here. The bear traps will make sure of that.
The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band
Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?
It’s a hole series.
[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”
A new hipster coffee shop in my hood doesn’t have wifi b/c it wants to encourage talking…presumably about the failure of this coffee shop.
I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
Hey chicks who wear a buttload of make-up. Don’t borrow someone else’s iPhone to make a call. You leave half of your face on the screen.