Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician
Look what the cat dragged in!
*freaks out remembering I don’t have a cat and house was built on top of a pet cemetery*
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I told my crush I liked them through a Spotify playlist
me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against your religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because you’re on a diet.
My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.
clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year
me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky
Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?
The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us
If there’s a zombie apocalypse, I’m becoming a zombie.
Walking around doing nothing & eating non-stop seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.
Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup