Look what the cat dragged in!
*freaks out remembering I don’t have a cat and house was built on top of a pet cemetery*
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Me: Ooh, I’d love to go to your party, but I have a dentist appointment.
Her: On a Saturday night?
Me: I’ve got really bad teeth.
Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.
This why you should mind your business
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming
Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your house or an almost empty one.
There’s no in-between.
Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.
Wife: People are coming over tomorrow
Me: We should clean today
Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?
Me: We should clean tomorrow
Microwave manufacturers: we made a special button just in case you want to make popcorn in your microwave
Popcorn manufacturers: u touch that button and we will burn the whole goddamn house down
me: I need to buy new stamps so I’m not sending out condolence cards with Disney villain stamps on them
friend: no one grieves like Gaston, acts bereaved like Gaston
me: how are you doing this
friend: no one orders ornate funeral wreaths like Gaston
I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’
~cats
I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap ✔
Me: *hears a stealthy footstep in the hallway*
Me: “This is your third time up. Go back to bed.”
7yo: *frantically* “Wait — wait Daddy –”
Me: “Whatever it is, tell me in the morning.”
7yo: *gasp* “IfYouWereADolphinYou’dBeDeadAlready
BecauseDolphinsOnlyLiveThirtyYears.”
“It all started when my mom met my dad…”
I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.
changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities
Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.
Webb. James Webb.
In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.
Those are NOT normal gifts
-my 6yo listening to the 12 Days of Christmas
Relationship- Significant other
Writer- Significant Author
Round Table- Significant Arthur
Corporations- Significant Auditor
Zookeeper- Significant Otter
I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
Him: Can I have your number?
Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.
him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.
If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.
Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.