Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice

If you’re serious about your mental health, find a very pale doctor in an unreasonably dark office at an understaffed isolated 200 year old sanitarium that appears abandoned then go ahead and check in until you’re cured/murdered.

When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth

We squint at the sun because it’s bright.

We squint at people because they are not.

In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!

Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.

*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*

I, for one, like it when blackberry seeds get stuck in my teeth at breakfast. Gives me little mouth missions to accomplish throughout the day.

There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao

76% of pardoned turkeys end up back in the system

*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*

me: i won employee of the month

her: ur self-employed

me:

her:

me: i also got demoted

Pretty upsetting that during such a time of pandemic, some people are refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny

me: absolute shit technique

murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?

[at the gym]

Body builder: how much can you curl?

Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon

I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.

accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off

Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.

“Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off” – The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team

No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.

*Sees girl trying to reach soup on top shelf*
“Here let me get that” I say [Beacuse I’m much taller]
*I put the soup in my cart & walk away*

Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop

There are two kinds of people.

Try not to be either one of them.

What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?

4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.

ME: can i start digging?

SOCIETY: wtf no that’s grave robbing

[waits an hour]

ME: how about now?

SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology

The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”

KATY PERRY: Can I use a real tiger?
NFL: No way, that would be dumb.
KATY PERRY: Oh I’ll show you dumb.

Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”

🚲+physics = winner