Look, when I invited you out for a drink I meant a milkshake with two straws, so don’t make it weird bro, I’m not gay
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she kept her secret snacks under the false bottom of a vintage hat box behind the old hoover vacuum in the guest bedroom closet…amateur
A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.
good morning to everyone except the people who make TV shows that include critical dialogue being messaged between characters which is nearly impossible for the viewers to read
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a biter” and see how it goes.
8’s school reopens on Monday for the first time in nearly 3 months. They’ve given different drop-off times to avoid large crowds and ours is 20 minutes earlier than usual but joke’s on them I dropped him there last Tuesday
I remember owning a mobile device as a kid, it was called my bike.
Yesterday I wrote an email to a customer named Trish where I apologized profusely, took ownership of our mistakes, and explained we would do anything to correct the situation. I averted disaster two seconds before I sent it when I saw my typo in the first two words, “Dear Trash,”
“Let’s wake up super early, stand in the freezing cold with mobs of people & harass a cute little groundhog!” ~White people
“Do you want to hold my baby?”
Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.
If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.
Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.
It’s funny how my husband always talks me into going out to eat on the days I say I’m making salad for dinner.
Someone’s been going round our local town stealing all the eggs, milk, sugar and vanilla essence. Police now have the culprit in custardy.
Water: can you do me a solid?
God: sure *turns it into ice*
don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead
If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married
Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.
Emmy: That’s cool.
Oscar: Wow, interesting.
Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…
imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains
Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.
I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.
Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.
doctor: you need to take one a day for the rest of your life
me: *checking the bottle* there’s only 2 in here
doctor: that is correct
It’s only the fifth day of school and my 9-year-old has already memorized the names of all 50 fourth graders who have cellphones.
Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
Last night I couldn’t sleep at all, just lying wide awake
“Oh, insomnia?”
No, in bed you idiot. Where the hell is Somnia?