Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Lao Tzu:
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step

Lao Tzu [after having kids]:
It now takes a thousand steps before I even start a journey, godDAMMIT

Damn you, Autocorrect !

Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?

You are the banner of my existence.

Pharmaceutical commercials saying “living longer IS possible.”
Not a good marketing strategy in 2020, but ok.

Doctor: are u high?

Me: no, why?

D: bc ur dressed like Batman

M: well maybe Batman dresses like me

D:…

M: alright yea im a lil high

me: I can’t decide what to have

waiter: what about the duck?

duck: I’ll have lasagna

Jupiter

ㅤ

I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).

My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.

boy: WOLF!

villager: nope, that’s a coyote

boy: *getting attacked by the coyote* please help me

villager: *already walking away* sorry I don’t hear liars

“Tell me about yourself”
Well, I’m a Canadian-
“Oh yeah? Tell me a joke funnyman”

@isabelzawtun @UncleDuke1969 I had a customer tell me that wanted 50% off an item because of a sign. The sign clearly stated which product was 50% off, which I pointed out. Her response was “what If I couldn’t read?”
I literally had to just walk away.

wish this weren’t a scam text. would love to go

babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before

Sigh, Another delivery driver ignored the instructions and walked straight into one of my boobytraps again

I want what they have

Jigsaw: If you want to leave you’re gonna need to…

Me, psyched about missing work: Nah, I’m good here.

Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight

Her: I hate organized religion

Me *trying to unnoticeably re-jumble my religion drawer*: psh, oh yeah, me too

Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.

3rd eye: youre on drugs
4th eye: youre a nerd
5th-7th eyes: ???
8th eye: you are now a spider
9th eye: spider on drugs
16th eye: nerd spider

them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope

Me: *screaming along to death-metal*

My child, who I forgot was in the car:

Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.

a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials

You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.

I couldn’t get the dog off the bed so I held up his ear cleaning solution, now he’s hiding somewhere and I’ve got fresh linens

me: hit me, daddy

poker dealer: don’t call me that

Me: What sound do dogs make?

3-year-old: Woof woof.

Me: Horses?

3: Neigh.

Me: Pigs?

3: Sizzle sizzle.

Somebody understands bacon.