Look, woman, I’ll do laundry when I’m out of clean clothes. *puts on skirt* I didn’t say whose clothes.
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[Ancient Greek Dandruff Shampoo Commercial]
MEDUSA: *looking super embarrassed, trying to casually brush a bunch of shed snake skins off her shoulders*
URGENT! IF MY BOSS ASKS YOU IF IT’S REALLY “NATIONAL THROW YOUR COFFEE AT YOUR BOSS DAY” PLEASE SAY YES.
cashier: how’d you like to pay for this
me: not at all
Me: [adjusting cargo shorts] These babies are built for performance.
My wife: You’ve been sitting on the couch watching football all day
Me: [pulling a small container of bean dip out of one pocket and a bag of tortilla chips out of another] Was a question in there somewhere?
Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.
A secret about trees is that nobody knows which are which. The most confident member of any party will simply say ‘That is a Dutch Elm’ and everybody will agree. But nobody actually knows. Nobody went to tree school. It’s a woodland grift. You stand in a copse of lies.
One time I limped into a Dairy Queen and ordered a banana split.
Employee: Crushed nuts?
Me: No, I banged up my knee.
Him: Can you believe what’s going on in Egypt?
Me: Yeah…it’s crazy…I gotta go. Bye.
Me: *googles what’s happening in Egypt?*
When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.
I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.
Out of the blue, HR forced us all to review our workplace sexual harassment training.
The office holiday party is next week.
Coincidence?
Apparently telling your friends not to stress about their wedding because “it’s your first marriage” is not the right thing to say
I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.
Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?
I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
The year is 2030. Bakery art is so realistic, literally anything could be cake. The uncertainty has gripped the world in fear. I go to hug my wife for comfort. She is cake.
“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.
I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.
My roommate thinks our house is haunted but in the 182 years I’ve lived here I’ve not encountered any problems 🤷🏻♀️
Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!
I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.
It must be so weird to be straight or gay.. like ur just not attracted to half of hot people?
[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.
i wish people went thru puberty the way that digimon digivolve. i do not want armpit hair. i want rocket launchers for hands
Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?
Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*
*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*
If you are considering buying some guy’s program that promises to make you rich in the stock market or real estate, ask yourself why does the guy need to make money off of selling you a program if he’s figured out how to get rich in the stock market or real estate?
*hangs out at graveyard*
I like older men.