Look, woman, I’ll do laundry when I’m out of clean clothes. *puts on skirt* I didn’t say whose clothes.
You Might Also Like
Interviewer: What’s your greatest strength?
Incredible Hulk:
Int:
Hulk: Is that a trick question?
Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.
Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip
Always.
(Click “gift options” for merch:
a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you
Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.
Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested
Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine
“The 27 Worst Things About Going To Stock Photo University” – something I made years ago and I just found it archived, and I’m pasting it here in a thread
Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”
Me: is it ok if we have sex right now
Girlfriend: yes, also thanks for asking
Me: yeah consent is important, don’t u agree
Mom, also at the dinner table: absolutely, you’re such a gentleman
Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me
I think I accidentally became a nun:
✅ not banging
✅ may have inadvertently taken a vow of poverty
✅ loves long dresses
✅ has a lot of habits
Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?
Me: Working, “we” are working.
Did you know there’s a type of spider that eats snails and uses the shell as armor to attack birds? That’s not true. I’m sorry.
I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.
I miss dating
The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…
My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I’ll need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
It’s Friday the 13th and there’s a dude outside my door wearing a hockey mask but he’s also selling Girl Scout Cookies, so you see the problem
[sees giant spider in house]
[tells girlfriend “I got this”]
[slowly rolls up magazine]
[uses magazine as megaphone & yells out the window “SAVE US!!”]
As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.
Not being an heiress has ruined my life
The last time my heart beat this fast I was at my boyfriend’s parent’s house and the toilet water was rising…
-My best pickup line
Frog purse.
what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow
Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.
Universe: Hold my beer.
4 said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7, and now I’m terrified to go into the bathroom.
DETECTIVE: what do you think killed these two birds?
ME: [picking up the only stone near their bodies] idk maybe the bird flu.
[murder scene]
Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail
SD2- Let’s track him down
*10 hours later*
SD1-Damn that guy is fast