Look, woman, I’ll do laundry when I’m out of clean clothes. *puts on skirt* I didn’t say whose clothes.
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*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*
“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”
[Pixar Studios]
HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes
“I don’t know, sometimes I just wish there was a room you could sit in that made breathing harder.”
– inventor of the sauna
Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.
I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.
[fancy restaurant]
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna
Rasputin never died that day, as an immortal being. He hid for decades, before dropping the “Ras” and slipping back into Russian politics.
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.
My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.
Art teacher: Take your seats, the model is ready
Me: *Disrobes and strikes a pose*
Model: Who the hell are you
[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.
The fact that my AC suggests “church” after “I’m heading to…” suggests I have a dumb phone instead of a smart phone.
So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?
WIFE: I love you
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Actually it’s just emotional comfort after years of being toget-
WIFE: *packing* I’ll be at my mothers
Me: what do you get when you cross a bear with a shark
My Dog: bark
Me: wait henry don’t give it away
Me: is it ok if we have sex right now
Girlfriend: yes, also thanks for asking
Me: yeah consent is important, don’t u agree
Mom, also at the dinner table: absolutely, you’re such a gentleman
Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.
Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.
Me, making resolutions in January: This is the year I work on myself for a change.
And then 2020 laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.
Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.
I tell all my ex girlfriends I just want them to be happy (happy was a golden retriever I saw get hit by a train in 1997)
Unpopular Opinion: the wooden ball inside an avocado is a seed
I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.
[Restaurant]
Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]
Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…
“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
😂😂😂
Walked by a coworkers computer and he was just looking at a picture of a hotdog