Look, you can tell me what to do in an emergency and that’s fine, but I’m going to do what I do best, and that is panic.
You Might Also Like
Twitter fine art
You know how when you pack, you’re supposed to use your socks and underwear to take advantage of any small spaces left amid the pants and shoes and jackets and etc.? That’s my strategy with after-dinner snacks.
*on my death bed* Why didn’t I just buy a normal bed?
Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299
Me: *rips pants bending over*
Toddler: Daddy! You’re so strong! You ripped your clothes like Hulk!
Me: Uh. Yep. That’s me. Same thing. Just like the Hulk. Indistinguishable.
Toddler: *proudly tells everyone I’m like the Hulk because I rip my pants all the time*
Me: *dies*
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.
*friend you haven’t spoken to in years posts photos of their marriage*
wow thanks for the invite beth did our 6 weeks of drivers ed together mean nothing to u
Commercial for Twitter:
“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”
[math class]
ME: today we’ll learn about [gestures to number on whiteboard] the tenths place
STUDENT: what’s the point?
ME: good question, what is the point of any of this? we’re all gonna die anyway
STUDENT: I mean in that number
ME: oh, that’s the decimal
According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.
Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Her: Chinese.
Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.
*catches duck
*fires up juicer
– “Did you know a swan can break a full-grown man’s heart?”
– “I think you mean arm?”
– “NO I DON’T!!”
*Runs away sobbing, bread spilling everywhere*
We were watching a reality show with really annoying people and I said they made me wanna puke and my husband said he wanted to torch the TV and my 13yo was like “just let them be happy” and I don’t know how we raised a child who doesn’t know how to hate watch something properly.
Guys who resent their friends for not sharing their hair products are gel less.
Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.
Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me
I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.
Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.
Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.
One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.
if pennywise had a fraternal twin it’d be named quarterstupid
(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)
me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god
I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them
One minute she’s saying “put yourself in my shoes” and the next it’s all “well you’ve gone and ruined them now, you idiot”