Look, you can tell me what to do in an emergency and that’s fine, but I’m going to do what I do best, and that is panic.
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The Wizard of Oz: A teenage runaway gets caught in a storm, commits manslaughter, & crosses state lines to see a man more than 3x her age.
The good news: once you get a PhD, friends and family will refer to you as doctor.
The bad news: They will only do it sarcastically after you get basic trivia wrong.
I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.
If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?
Me: Can you check my balance on this gift card?
Cashier: ok
Me: [ steps on card, lifts other foot without wavering ] Pretty good, right?
20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision
Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.
Robert is an ass man
Robert goes to the club
Robert sees a curvy girl
Robert comes up behind her
Robert Palmer
If crying kids on planes bother you, just have 5 of your own, so that next time you hear one, you’ll be like “Thank God that isn’t mine.”
Sigh, Another delivery driver ignored the instructions and walked straight into one of my boobytraps again
Cop: i told you this land is off limits
Me: oh i thought you said it was all flimits
Cop: wtf are flimits
Me: idk let’s go look
Cop: ok
[restaurant]
Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when
Me: huh? why
Waiter: when means stop
Me: oh
Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other
Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other
I’d wager that @RudyGiuliani will not spend a moment in an actual courtroom in front of a judge. He will go around media outlets like Fox or OAN saying he has the evidence but will never present anything in an actual court of law.
All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.
The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
Overheard:
“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”
Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”
Damn you, Autocorrect !
Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?You are the banner of my existence.
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.
(20s) ew this bar is full of old people let’s get out of here.
(50s) ew this bar is full of young people let’s get out of here.
Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”
Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie
My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.
Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.
Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”
*rubs lamp/genie appears*
*makes me listen to ads before each wish*
gentlemen, hear me out
Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me
I asked my husband if he ever thought about what his life would’ve been like had he married his previous girlfriend instead of me.
Then we laughed and laughed at the absolute impossibility of him answering that question correctly.