Look, you can tell me what to do in an emergency and that’s fine, but I’m going to do what I do best, and that is panic.
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my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing
The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.
In an unexpected turn of events yesterday, my husband tested the child locks on the car doors.
“Laura, can you come and let me out?”
The reason God calls all of us his children is so he can claim us all as dependents.
The amount of cream cheese I smear on a bagel when I’m dining out is VERY different than when I’m at home. Alone. With my tub of cream cheese.
There’s a programme on the BBC called Elephant Diaries.
You’d think that was one animal that wouldn’t need to keep one.
To the chimp I laughed at in a psychology textbook that was addicted to flushing a toilet again & again & again: I’m on Twitter now I get it
Sometimes I am proud of my mistakes, sometimes I am ashamed.
My kids: We have NAMES, Dad!
What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair
I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm
oprah: who said that shit
meg: im not gonna say
oprah: okay i respect that
oprah: harry who said that shit to you
Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.
I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song
(Guy saves family from burning house)
Dad: You’re a hero.
Guy: Anyone could’ve done it.
Mom: You’re so humble.
Guy: Yes, I’m Super Modest.
Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?
It’s summer. We’re young. Let’s sneak into someone else’s pool and skinnydip. If we get caught, we stab them and assume their identities.
Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.
I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.
My real name is maybe one of the top 5 whitest names ever invented and I just picked up my online order at a KFC that is deep in the hood where I’m maybe the only white guy within a mile and as soon as I went in they said “Here he is. Thats (my name)” and I lol’d.
Happy MOM THIS HUGE ASSIGNMENT IS DUE TOMORROW AND I’VE JUST STARTED IT to all those who celebrate.
Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.
I have a “baby on board” sticker on my car. No baby right now, I just want people to know I’m a sore loser
When people ask “Are you high right now?”
It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.
[first date]
me: what’s ur favorite word?her: probably “ethereal,” it means-
me: mine is “shuttlecock.”
Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.
Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.
A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number
corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them
My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.
There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.