Look, you invented bread and I invented knives. Let’s combine forces and we could be the best thing since…well we’ll think of that later.
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With just a few days until Christmas Amazon trucks should be treated like emergency vehicles. If you see them coming with their sirens on you best pull over and let them pass. People are getting worried about their packages, ya’ll.
My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.
[First date]
Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?
Him: Water?
Me: No, my personality.
Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.
There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.
My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.
9: What did that message on the TV say
Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen
9: How do they know what size TV we have?
The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s this
Son: it’s our house
Me: have you ever actually looked at our house
Sorry if I smell weird. I touched an old sponge last week
None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.
Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens
Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect
*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*
Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!
A mom sat down next to me at the park, smiled and asked, “Which one’s yours?”
I replied, “None of them… yet.”
[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles
Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?
Happy birthday to all the women
The key to a successful marriage is never go to bed married
Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.
I’m nearly qualified to be a weaver. My final exam is looming.
See that sad girl up on the hill with tears ?
That’s not me..I’m the one over there running away from a goose with a corn dog in my hand.
I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
5 kept asking Alexa what time his friend was coming over today. he was getting pissed when she didn’t know the answer.
dude may be able to work a tablet better than me but it’s good to be reassured i’m still smarter.
[donut shop]
me: I’ll take a bear claw
*loud roar from the back*
me: never mind, I’ll take a glaze
Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’
Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.
Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan
Cat:
