Look, you invented bread and I invented knives. Let’s combine forces and we could be the best thing since…well we’ll think of that later.
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Being an adult is like being in a Quentin Tarantino movie. It starts off real cool, there’s a lot of cussing, it’s very confusing, everyone dies.
[goes up to girl after symphony concert] Hey girl, you sounded real good tonight. I’m a huge fan of the…*looks at her clarinet*…e-cig.
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
I’m making all of the random open bags of things in our freezer for dinner. Everyone gets 4 chicken nuggets, 5 tater tots, 6 fries, and an onion ring.
[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”
(3am, my kid wakes up)
Me: *Pretends to be asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be more asleep*
Me: *Pretends to be even more asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be even way more asleep*
My work here is done
Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.
Metabolism:
I don’t need two-day delivery. Whatever I order shows up the second I step outside the door in my underwear.
The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.
I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig.
It’s not a beautiful poem, but it’s very deep.
Standing naked in front of the mirrors trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner.
Home Depot manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
[a bunch of henchmen just shit-talking the name Bruce]
(from the shadows) um Bruce is actually a really cool and good name
Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.
Me: I learned everything I know about Cinco de Mayo from watching Coco.
Him: Coco was about Day of the Dead, not Cinco-
Me: Cinco, Coco, YOU KNOW I DON’T SPEAK SPANISH, TODD!
3: mommy, you’re the best
me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!
3: me too
[at a party]
Friend: let’s play this game that most of us know
Me: idk how to play, can 7 of you yell the different rules at me all at once?
*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us
Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G
Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.
“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
A “why working from home is bad” guest column, but from a guy who has clearly cased your house, and is waiting for the chance to rob you during the day
Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.
My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.
I’m a pediatrician.
Oh, so you’re into feet?
Uh no…children.
Isn’t that illegal?
There’s no real way to look tough trying to fight a swarm of bees off of you.
maybe less RPGs would be about killing god if gods stopped playing absolutely banging tunes whenever someone tries to kill them
Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907
