Look,if they showed up and watched the entire Super Bowl and had a good time with everyone.Then washed the dishes,cleaned up, did the laundry, washed your car and cooked dinner afterwards then you just might have found Valentine material!
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wife and kids are threatening to remove me from the family group chat because my Android is messing it up and now I’m certain that I made the right phone choice
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
[God Creating Dads]
God: Ah, yes. Think I’m done
Dads: Hi Done, we’re Dads!
God:
Dads:
God: *creates the adjustable thermostat*
Having a child in your house is like having a sticky poltergeist. Fingerprints everywhere. Shit disappears and reappears at random times and places. Not to mention the odd, seemingly disembodied wailing
reasons my cat is yowling:
-she doesn’t want the food in her bowl
-she wants to be picked up
-she wants to be put back down
-she wants to play
-she doesn’t want her toys touched
-the mantelpiece is not high enough
-it’s raining
-the universe is large & she is its queen
If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”
They say dress for the job you want not the job you have so I’m wearing no pants. Boss seems angry tho. She must know I’m looking elsewhere.
[planning a heist]
Guy: it’s gonna be an inside job
Me, hates going outside: nice
My dog just swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.
No word yet.
What doesn’t kill you is still… going to kill you. Just slowly.
Me, on my 9th plate of nachos: So you’re telling me I have time
Doctor: I think I should refer you to a specialist.
me: I’m unable to stop making jokes
doctor: you can’t be serious
me: that’s right
Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.
Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.
Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.
I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.
[Romeo and Juliet as turtles]
ROMEO: Death hath sucked the honey of thy breath
JULIET: I’m just stuck on my back
R: we’re turtles, Juliet
Cop: You were going 30 over the speed limit
Me: Are you sure about that?
*gives him a handful of Cheez-Its*
Cop: Have a nice day, sir.
*walks in house wearing a large neck brace*
oh no, what happened?
“my earbud cord got caught on a chair while I was walking”
Flying is a luxury experience in the same way as getting a colonoscopy is one.
You realize you are privileged to be able to afford it, but that doesn’t make it feel good.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.
how to market bottled water to dads
Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.
Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..
I don’t need that kind of negative talk..
why does this picture look like abed accidentally transported into gilmore girls and not that the actor is actually in this scene
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?
the $25 stuffed animal gets me every time
Either there are two cops in my fridge or I’ve accidentally opened the front door again
me (normal): hey did you watch those 67 videos I sent you last night
my friend (also normal): of course