Look,if they showed up and watched the entire Super Bowl and had a good time with everyone.Then washed the dishes,cleaned up, did the laundry, washed your car and cooked dinner afterwards then you just might have found Valentine material!
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Wife [returns home] have you eaten
Me: have you eatenWife: are you copying me?!
Me: are you copying meWife: I Love You
Me: I already ate
Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?
Me: A shrink ray.
Smallie Smalls: Did it work?
[The inventor of biscotti]
This coffee would be so much better with a crouton
The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in
Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.
I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’
Me: I don’t care if schools open, you’re not going.
13: I am going! You’re not using this as an opportunity to live out your homeschool mom fantasies.
Me: Please. My fantasies involve boarding schools. Get over yourself.
Reached a point in my life that I have no ‘bones to pick’ nor ‘axes to grind’. Most would call it forgiveness, I call it memory loss and it’s peaceful.
i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe
Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”
Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?
Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”
*plugs phone into charger*
“You like that huh?”
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
[Courtroom]
Judge: Have you been up before me?
Convict: I don’t know, Judge. What time were you up this morning?
Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should
I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.
-me, forgetting your birthday
me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate
professor: i meant questions about the midterm
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.
Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.
Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there
titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee
9-year-old: Can I spend the night at my friend’s house this weekend?
Me: Sure.
9: Can I spend two nights?
Me: You can live there. Just tell her mom to send over the papers.
Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck got engaged, broke up, married other people, had children, reunited, got married, broke up again, and I’ve been single that whole time.
date: I like to tell dad jokes
me: does he laugh?
date: what
hubs: why the makeup?
me: we’re cooking dinner together.
him: and…
me: and, I want to look nice when the police arrive.
Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮
That moment when your ID badge doesn’t work & you wonder:
Did I get fired?
Can I go back to bed now?
Will my 401k sustain my food addiction?