Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m going on a work trip for a few days — but my husband has just suspiciously bought himself 3 bunt cakes in various flavors and isn’t mentioning it at all.

chat, i am full of concern

My rapper name would be “Iffy Scent”

If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.

“So what do you do?”
I’m a wordsmith
“A what?”
A writer. I deal with words. How about you?
“Oh I’m a uh… weedsmith”

No Linda, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.

“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”

The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge

The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.

This meme is a joke but also life-changing advice if taken to heart

I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”

Ik the point of all cult documentaries is anyone can fall into a cult but I rly don’t see it happening for me just bc I’m sooo lazy and the odds of me signing up for an empowerment or healing workshop are below zero like I hate having stuff to do

*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*

Where’s the shit you made me at school?

Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.

It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.

(No offense, Andrea.)

Is….Is this an option?

I’m not saying Lois Lane is a bad investigative journalist, but my friend Greg didn’t wear glasses to work yesterday and I recognised him by lunch time.

How many police tv shows or movies have you heard them say the person was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital, but the police NEVER suspect the E.M.T.
Just sayin.

I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution

I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.

The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.

“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”

-if Lassie had been a cat

Ordered Amazon Delivery and selected “replace item” with the closest thing they can find if they run out of stock…

We ordered tampons.

And they sent the closest appropriate thing.

Which right now, is a bag of 50 frozen sausage rolls.

Coworker: You look tired.
Me: Apparently I also look approachable but I’m really not.

“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all

I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed

I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late

*first day at gymnastics class*

Teacher: So you mentioned before you were really good at the bars? Let’s see it!

Me: Oh…um, sure? Hey man can I have 2 beers and round of shots for the table cheers bro.

Teacher: *under his breath* damn he’s good

#RubbishJokes #Coffee
Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!

Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.

I was going to buy Oasis tickets but I found out if I set my money on fire in the backyard instead, I won’t have to pay for parking

[baby sitting]
“Hey, yeah it’s me. No, everything’s fine. Just a quick question about his legs.”
“…”
“So how many legs did he have?”

I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it