Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Howl 😭

[1983]

FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!

ME: Hahaha, cool!

[just now]

ME: OH SHIT BILLY

I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.

Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.

I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”

Police Officer: You know, this is a one way street?

Me: I was only going one way…

Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.

Boss: There’s a meeting at 3.
Me: Unsubscribe.
Boss: What?

i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.

If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.

Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.

My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked

Pretty sure California’s water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I’ve lazily kicked under the fridge.

My girlfriend just called a group of sheep ‘sheeps’ and now I can never be sure that she is legally capable of consenting to sex.

[emptying spam]

ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?

Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?

Captain America: Um sure.

Spiderman: What should I do?

Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.

Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.

[Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
“The Riddler?”
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?

You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.

Random dm guy: What are you wearing?

Me: A scathing look of disdain

I like it when my kids are old enough to drink out of the toilet on their own. That way I don’t have to get out of bed to get them a drink.

Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!

Job interviewer:…and a weakness?

Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.

just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running

[park]
STRANGER: Your dog is unusual looking

ME: Yeah, he’s interbred

DUCK: [waddles up] I’ll tell you who else is into bread

bird to holiday ratio:

thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs.

me working on my assignments ^-^

Him, yelling from the other room: Why do you keep upping the amount of my life insurance?

Me, pouring heavy whipping cream into his skim milk carton: I have no idea what you’re talking about.

me: hey remember when we hid the stamps from the kids?

my brain: yup!

me: where did we put those?

my brain:

me:

my brain: ok, you’re never gonna believe this

Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies