Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just turned on my car’s seat warmer to keep my Chipotle order warm in case you wondered how seriously I take Taco Tuesday.

Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.

*donates body to science*

Science: “I have a boyfriend”

Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth

Doctor: do you exercise?

Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks

Doctor:

Me: cronchies

Doctor: I’m gonna put no

Me: ok

Our neighbour always gets my wife’s name wrong, so she started doing the same to him. She apologises and says English names “are challenging to remember” and “am I saying it right?”. His name is Ken

I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.

POLICE CHIEF: We need you to go deep undercover.
ME: How deep?
CHIEF: VERY deep.

[Later, lying on a blanket, looking at the stars]
ME: *Turns to mob boss* What do you think God is?

Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.

I hate all this sex on the TV

I keep falling off.

*Caterpillar marriage therapy*

Wife: he’s not the man I married

Husband flying around room: I’m the same on the inside Karen!!!

I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.

Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.

There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl

Me: I’ve got distressed genes.

Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.

M: Have you met my family?

Detective: cause of death
Coroner: too long in a sensory deprivation tank
Detective: that makes no sense
Coroner: i know what it does Dave

my life changed when i learned some house spiders can’t survive outside so now i just catch them and release them in a friend’s home

[hell]

Satan: this is our library

Me: cool i love reading

Satan: we only have the twilight series

Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?

Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.

if anyone starts quoting the bible to you, a funny thing to yell is “NO SPOILERS I HAVEN’T READ IT YET”

“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children

George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.

I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.

We were never supposed to have this much access to stupid people’s thoughts, beliefs, and opinions.

Inventor of beer: This will change the world.

Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]

I don’t want to establish dominance. I want to take a nap while someone else handles everything.

My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable

To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia

I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..

There all like awww shit,

who’s it gonna be this time

How my 7 year old plays board games:

Rolls a 6.

Counts to 6.

Moves his piece wherever he wants.