Looking at a guy in great shape: 🔥🔥
Looking at a girl in great shape: 😍😍
Looking at workout equipment: 😐
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HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i’m so optimistic
HER: yes
ME: cool see u tonight
🤣🤣🤣
Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit
Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.
The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.
Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.
“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”
I’m just a girl
Hiding under a bed
Hoping his wife leaves soon
Again
A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.
At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”
Friend: So, how did you two meet?
Husband: In a bar.
Wife: The air had just begun to take a chill, I remember I was wearing a new scarf. Change was in the air, but I had no idea my whole life was about to be turned in upside down. When I walked into the dimly lit pub…
You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…
They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?
If you drop the entire pan of pasta on the floor at dinner time don’t panic just grate some cheese on top, give each of the kids a fork and call it Floor Pasta Thursday
I have a condition where if I don’t walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. I’m like the bus in Speed
~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
CASHIER:no
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
C:
M:
C:fine
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE
Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals
It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere
Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge
Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.
Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?
[in class]
Hermione: For once I want the teacher to get my name right!
Gar4y With a Silent 4: Totally know what ya mean
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″
[at job interview at NASA]
NASA: sir, you’re underqualified for this position.
Me: have you seen our president?
NASA: give him a spaceship
Me: Since the kids are spending the night at Grandma’s, we FINALLY have the chance to sleep in.
Smoke alarm battery: Not if I can help it.
Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.
Don’t forget to celebrate Columbus Day by moving in to someone else’s house and telling everyone it’s yours, then closing the post office.
“There’s no reason to be on Twitter anymore.”
*Every other site goes down*
“Guess who’s back…back again.”