Looking at a guy in great shape: 🔥🔥
Looking at a girl in great shape: 😍😍
Looking at workout equipment: 😐
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I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.
[Parisian restaurant, breakfast]
Me: I hear you do the best toasted Cheese & Ham here
Server: That’s a croque monsieur
M: Oh that’s a shame, I’ll have a croissant instead then please
Ronald McDonald and the Burger King have been battling each other for decades. Which is odd, because you’d expect it to have been a *looks at camera* FAST FEUD
I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.
In my meager defense, I was in no way aware the gingerbread houses were entries in a contest.
Gonna put watermelon on my pizza just to start a Twitter uproar
Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”
911: Your emergency?
-Karen asked me a question.
911: Not an emergency.
-She asked if I could be more pacific.
911: Cars are on their way.
Oh. My. God.
[before surgery]
doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?
me: yes, every night
When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”
If I was Phil Collins I’d rub my belly after every meal and say ‘I’m Full Collins’, then insist everyone either laughed or left my house.
ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*
STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?
ME: deep tissue massage
CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security
Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
Me: I’m feeling short of breath.
Her: Maybe it’s because you just climbed the stairs after eating an entire party-sized bag of chips?
Me: *rolls eyes* I didn’t put the chips in my lungs, Brenda.
Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers
My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.
For main female characters, prom is inevitable. Even if you try to skip it, a perfectly-fitting dress will appear in your life.
Lock the doors, or run far away. No matter where you go, prom will find you.
Finally!
No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
Had a vasectomy. Paid them an extra $50 so it shoots glitter
estão todos miauvindo?
What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn
Not the sharpest cheddar on the charcuterie board…
I think about this a lot
Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.
TV Show Idea:
Speculation news.
A sort of news programme that uses a small amount of information and stretches it out for hours on end with absolutely no further facts other than speculation based on nothing at all, by self appointed experts in unrelated subjects.
It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.