Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[plant facts!!]
bananas are technically berries
almonds are seeds
avocados are mammals
most cucumbers are haunted
potatoes aren’t even real

Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.

*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*

Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.

We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?

[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby

Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.

How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate

My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!

My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?

Your move, grandpa.

if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.

I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.

those beautiful naked women have made a compelling argument i’m going to steer this ship into the rocks

A bird in the… *BLOCKED*
Birds of … *BLOCKED
The early bird catches the wo…*BLOCKED & REPORTED FOR ABUSIVE CONTENT

-worms on Twitter

I’m making fish cakes covered in breadcrumbs. I’ve never been covered in breadcrumbs before, never mind made fish cakes.

Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.

– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?

– Rhino

– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn

I don’t trust any company that has a commercial with happy employees in it.

You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.

BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.

wife: look our baby can stand up

baby: what’s the deal with airplane food

I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.

RESUME HACK: Want to avoid the unpleasantries of listing your criminal record? Turn that weakness into a strength with “I’m a person of strong convictions.”

Today’s assignment:

If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”

I’m convinced that anytime an employee at a shoe store goes into the back room looking for your size they enter Narnia, romp around for a few hours forgetting about work, and then come back and just tell you no they don’t have your size.

I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.

*meets someone from France*

I’m a big fan of your toast!

Me: *looking at spider in my bathroom*

Spider:

Me:

Spider:

Me: so, are we gonna do this superhero thing now or do you want me to flush you?

*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*

{Dictating journal because I’m too weak}
ME: I have now been sick for 7 years-
WIFE: 4 Days.
ME: With what we assume to be a bio-engineered super pneumonia-
WIFE: It’s a cold.
ME: No one has ever felt this bad-
WIFE: I literally have the same thing.