Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Age is just a number”

…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account

I’ll write I’ll write I’ll write.

[at Doctor’s office]

“When’s the last time you had sex?”

Last night.

“With a male or female?”

Oh…with another person?

me: I’d like one mcdouble please

employee: sir, this is a Burger King

me: ok one mcdouble please, ur majesty

Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.

Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.

@funTweeters just starred 1 of my tweets. It’s like getting a personal letter fr Jennifer Lawrence, & it asks if she can borrow some stamps.

Please continue finishing your text in the crosswalk, Mr. Pedestrian. It’s not like I’m driving a giant metal instrument of death.

Dr: Have you been getting enough exercise?

Me: Does sex count as exercise?

Dr: Yes.

Me: No.

You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth

The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in

Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.

What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”

White girl: “You’re [ethnicity] but not [ethnicity-ethnicity]. Like, you’ll [mild steretype] but you don’t [severely racist stereotype]

People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.

Work crush came by to drop off zip ties while I was on the phone so I missed the opportunity to smile creepily and say “sorry we had to ask, I just don’t keep zip ties around… anymore.” Bc that’s how I flirt.

My husband just showed me two pairs of khakis and asked me which one he should wear tonight. This is a trick, right?

*(whispering)they’re both the same

I love when my cat sighs at me, like what’s got you stressed out my little freeloading homicidal maniac

It can be hard to see beyond the limited perspective any one individual is offered in this tiny life, but try to spare a moment’s empathy for the poor task rabbiter I just hired to install my parents’ WiFi.

[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.

Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.

I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol

I would throw myself under a duvet for you.

Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper

Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL

“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”

I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.

Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.

[leaving theater]
me (drying my eyes): I hate movies where a dog dies
wife: that was a werewolf
me: but still