Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

5yo: if superman & batman had a big fight, superman could throw him into space where he’d suffocate’. I’m raising a problem solver you guys.

“VROOM VROOM! VROOM VROOM VROOM! SCREECH!” – Entire script for Fast and the Furious 6

nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper

Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario

“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”

Me: Did you like that story?

5: Yes, I love Goldilocks.

Me: Of course they had to change the ending for kids.

5: There’s another ending? Tell me.

Me: You don’t need to know.

5: Tell me, Tell me!

Me: They’re BEARS for God’s sake. How do you THINK it ended?!

When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.

Teenagers should not handle weapons to fight crime or be turtles.

The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.

Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”

Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”

me: what are you going to be when you grow up?

5: beautiful.

I’m so desperate for a vacation that at this point I’d spend an all inclusive week at Jurassic Park.

*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?

(Me tryna flirt)

Of course morning sex is better.

You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.

[making the first boat]
“How do we get across this river?”
ME: we gotta build a boat
“What’s a boat?”
ME: that’s what we gotta figure out

Haven’t refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.

After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.

All that money and nothing to chauffer it.

Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?

*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*

What happens if you fight a dinosaur?

You get Jurasskicked!

*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat

Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.

Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.

I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.

me in my 20s with my 60 year old back pain

Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it

I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.

There are 2 screaming kids & a guy talking full voice on his cell in this bank. I’ll wave at you on the news tonight as they lead me away.

My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.