Looking at a guy in great shape: 🔥🔥
Looking at a girl in great shape: 😍😍
Looking at workout equipment: 😐
You Might Also Like
[tree falls in forest]
[doesnt make a sound]
GUY IN CAMOUFLAGE: What the—
TREE: oh shit uhh AAHHHH I have fallen and I can’t get up aaahhh
If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.
Why font matters.
KID911: wats ur emergency
SON: sister is staring at me
KID911: did you tell her to stop
SON: yes! she isnt even blinking
KID911: omg ok take a deep breath
KID911: now scream for mom
[whispering] don’t tell mom or dad but I killed a hiker and stashed the corpse in a hollow log. we can snack on it later
kinda fun if literal: earwigs
I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.
Me: You want some cereal?
2 year-old: Yay cereal!
Me: Want some Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
2: Yay cinnamon crack!
Me: Ok-wait, what??
Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.
🏙👨🏼
Me, noticing my takeout salad came with a fork AND chopsticks: “Why would anyone eat a salad with chopsticks?”
Also me: tries to eat salad with chopsticks
I’d like to thank whomever told my mom that WTF means “wow that’s fantastic.” Her texts are so much more fun now.
It’s only August and I’m already tired of watering my plants. Makes me wonder how my daughter has lasted 18 years.
Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
husband: aren’t you excited?
me:
husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5
My son didn’t want to get up for school today, so I promised him that if he got up and went to school today, I wouldn’t make him go tomorrow.
We were about halfway to the bus stop when he realized that it’s Friday.
Bought a pair of sustainable
alligator shoes.
‘How do you know they’re authentic?’
‘I don’t have to cut my toe nails anymore!’
Saw my son pretending to pole vault with a curtain rod. It took me a good 10 mins to realize it meant there were curtains down somewhere.
“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance
What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?
three old people next to me at this coffee shop hanging out and catching up. one of them says “your daughter is doing well? has her ducks all in a row?” and the other says “welllll there’s a few geese in there” and all three of them laughed until they cried. gasping for air.
We get it, cacti, you have great biceps.
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
smh
I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.
Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight