Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Called in, “Didn’t realize this eyeliner was permanent” this morning.

Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.

cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit

Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.

When I saw “likes music” on her dating profile, I almost fell out of my chair. Because I also like music. Holy shit she likes good food too!

ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food

GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste

ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny

I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body

I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.

My daughter just found the dog leash and collar

Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog

I never finish what I start. I have a black belt in partial arts.

[screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOU’RE NOT “FIGHTING” THE FIRE YOU’RE WATERING IT

Almost 15 years ago my son was born and you find yourself picturing things they might do in there lives. In that moment, I knew that one day I’d be at high school football game on Friday night watching him.

15 years later and I’m here. Watching him play the tuba at halftime.

Here’s a picture of the beautiful bonsai that died right after I got it. Ah, too bad but at least I’ve got this great picture of it. Picture, where’s the picture? Fuck!

What I lack in legs I make up for in forehead

my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.

Newton’s daughter had dem apple fallin genes, boots with the fur

I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …

#have a #great #PancakeDay

My client sent an email that read, “…and then he said why don’t you myofb!”

Yes, I had to google that.

Yes, I will be using that in the future as frequently as possible. Myofb.

Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–

[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]

Upon finding I was going to the dentist to have a tooth pulled, I did what any 6 year old would do and armed myself with rocks that I threw at him as soon as he came in

I ended up getting a spanking AND my tooth pulled but no way was I going down without a fight.

“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”

Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*

If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed

FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is

Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom

I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you

It’s going to be so intense if Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce break up because millions of Swifties who may or may not have a favorite football team will for sure have a LEAST FAVORITE.

In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.

Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings