Looking at a guy in great shape: ๐ฅ๐ฅ
Looking at a girl in great shape: ๐๐
Looking at workout equipment: ๐
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Me: *walks into a door frame*
Husband: Can you do that again? My camera wasnโt on.
Donโt you hate it when some idiots wonโt even go 5 mph over the speed limit in the left lane but then when you try to pass them all of a sudden they want to go 127 mph into the sun
therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-
me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldnโt have married this snake arenโt u
As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.
I saw โwhole eggsโ and read it as โwhale eggsโ and for a minute I thought โwhales lay eggs?โ
When asked about performing in a musical for Andrew Lloyd Webber, Meatloaf was quoted as saying โOh I would do anything for Lloyd, but I wonโt do Cats!โ
I bought a designer body bag and now Iโm scared to gain weight.
[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*
When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.
โPassword is incorrectโ
*resets password*
โNew password cannot be the same as the old passwordโ
I my rage I texted my friend โI made some strawberry ganache for you and I now I am never going to give it youโ.
We made up later and long story short I need to learn how to make ganache.
Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?
[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? Whatโs wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?
Pastor: For better, for worse?
Husbands: Sure.
P: In sickness and in health?
H: Yep.
P: Till death do you part?
H: I do.
P: And also sheโs going to want some of your fries even if she doesnโt order her own.
H: Hang on โฆ what?
AC just changed cole slaw to coke slaw so Iโll be busy looking for new recipes
or a new dealer. depends on the recipe I guess
horse: hey, steve. howโs it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
Why do they call it sweeping the leg and not defeeting your opponent?
[donating blood]
Nurse: youโre looking faint. Can I get you a drink?
Me: no thanks, Iโve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns
thereโs probably a fee though
What if my cans are tuna cans or industrial school size cans of peaches in syrup or old rusty tin cans connected with string, can I still show them off? I heard people like looking at other peopleโs cans
*shoots self in the foot and screams in agony for 20 seconds*
*hits โstop recordingโ on outgoing voicemail message*
me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?
a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
โGo clean up your mansion!!!!!โ
-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.
pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end
Guys donโt want sex, guys want to watch a thousand movies starring Jason Statham as a former elite special forces assassin whoโs trying to leave his past behind but is called back for one last job
I wonder if my heating pad thinks Iโm cheating on it when I sleep with my electric blanket.
My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.
My safe word is now just a dry cough.
I donโt friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, weโre dating.