Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I climbed all the way to the top Mount Everest and looked up, then I’d finally see the top of our family’s weekly laundry pile

Had a customer accuse me of working at home (I work in a quiet office), said she could hear my wife and kids in the background. I don’t know if she’s delusional or if I should get out immediately.

Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?

He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.

4-year-old: What do you want for your birthday?

Me: You could get me a “world’s best dad” mug.

4: You told me not to lie.

Sound smarter than you are: end words with “eaux” and sentences with “if you will.” If you’re pissed, “quite frankly” adds a nice touch.

when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell

Boss confused me with another employee and fired me. Then called two days later to fire me for not showing up for 2 days. #HowIGotFired

[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.

[playing hide and seek]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS L-
me: [exploding out of closet] BABY DON’T HURT ME

angel: where’d all the zebras go?

God: I put ’em in the desert

angel: dude their camouflage was for the snow

God: I know lol

*swipes right on my hand mirror

repaired

Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”

probably should have split this into two separate stories guys

[Wheel of Fortune]

Puzzle: _’_ L_ _E T_ S_ L_E T_E _ _ _ _LE

Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”

Pat Sajak: “Okay.”

Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”

Pat Sajak: “Okay.”

Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.

I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.

What’s green, has six legs and would kill you if it fell out of a tree?

A billiard table.

Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.

Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.

{first date}

HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?

Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.

My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.

hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan

Me: you feel like doing something?

Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill

Me: maybe after the killing then

Here’s one of the dumbest thoughts I’ve ever had: I got a coupon for a new car wash place, which was great because my car was really dirty. I noticed that the address was close to my house and thought: “Oh, this is close. Maybe I can just walk?”

a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today

When your printer uses up half your new ink cartridge aligning the print head. Well played printer companies.