Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

To all my new moms, I highly recommend you start working on that upper body strength. Because you’re going to need to to haul a kicking toddler around football style.

so it’s mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, it’s all “how did you even do that” and “what the hell”

If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.

The dental hygienist told me I have nice gums today and giggled, then she told me she was happily married. So I don’t really know what to believe

Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.

Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.

[being eaten alive by cannibals]

cannibal: is he… joining in?

I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.

Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.

I have been vegan for 11 years, but I was pinched by a crab today, and I feel it is only fair that I be allowed to eat one (1) of them as retribution.

husband: when is [5]’s birthday

me: same as your mom’s

husband: *blank stare*

I left my lunch on my counter. I work an hour away from home. More upsetting than any breakup. Doodling a turkey sandwich in my notebook. What could’ve been.

[Orca Winfrey Show]

ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!

AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*

Dear scientists,

We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer

[making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!

[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also

Real Estate Agent: We’re here for your routine inspection. You have to let us in.

Me (hosing down the inside of the house): One moment.

Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.

kid: *reading ouija board* she says you should vacuum

mom: who?

kid: grandma. she’s coming back

mom: honey grandma died years ago

[urn falls off mantle]

mom: get the—

kid: —vacuum?

my friend: i really need your help with getting over my ex…

me after stalking my ex’s IG & every girl he follows for the last 4 hours: omg yes ofc you’ve come to the right person

BREAKING NEWS ~ Janet on Facebook is having chicken salad for dinner tonight.

I do not want to cook the books
I do not like the charge you took
Reverse it now, end the scam
Before we hear from Uncle Sam

Dr Seuss’s CPA

When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician

One of my worst typos at work… my missing O in hello. Hell there! Kind of changes the niceness of the message. There’s more unfortunately

Balloons take up a certain amount of space in the package, but if you want to know how big they’ll be when in use you have to adjust for inflation.

When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”

“You know…”

[takes drag of cigarette]

“That energy bar is full of sugar”

[exhales]

Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days

I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.

A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London

I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.

People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.