Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The best thing about the first day at a new job is nobody knows I only have one outfit.

Voted most likely to power walk into a volcano

My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.

People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.

Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.

In the same week I found my glasses and my car keys in the refrigerator. It’s a goddam wonder the government lets me live alone.

I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.

Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.

when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”

Me: okay yeah, cool Wu Tang shirt bro, bet you can’t even name one song.

6 month old baby: ……..

As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.

I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.

All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.

Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL

The best part about Whole Foods is if you ask for a bag the cashier will look at you like you drowned a baby giraffe with your bare hands

Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾

USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?

me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead

TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…

“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.

acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life

unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life

My daughter asked me if the tooth fairy would only give money for *her* teeth and I’m a little concerned

me: “why was she called the little mermaid, she was 5ft7?”
therapist: “i meant anything bothering you about your marriage keith”

2019: no carbs

2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies

My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.

I swear 75% of being a divorce lawyer is just answering emails from clients saying, “No. No. No. You absolutely cannot do that, no.”

RIP Medusa you would’ve hated selfies.

Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then

Growing up with a race car bed really prepared me for having to sleep in my 2004 Honda Accord

I wish that I had the confidence of my 12 year old who is staring me down as he eats the last ice cream cone that I had hidden in the freezer.

Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away