[looking at a house that’s for sale on a native american burial ground down the road from the abandoned 140 year old asylum]
Me: I’ll take it.
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Me: if we stay on budget for the next few months we’ll be back on track
My bathroom pipes: good plan, right after you fix this leak
Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.
you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said
me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god
*buying teacher’s gifts*
7: Mrs. J said she hates candles.
Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!
Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any
me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you
If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.
Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack
Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.
My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁
Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably
Remember, kids: If a 200-year old vampire fucks a teenager, it’s “romantic,” but if a 45-year old Muppet fucks a teenager, it’s “creepy.”
Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.
I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.
computer simulation of what the punisher skull looked like when alive
Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.
“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.
Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?
Me: No, what?
Son: Camo meal
*we tearfully embrace*
Wife: JFC
I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
if I accidentally respond “you too” after a fast-food clerk tells me to enjoy my meal, I shove some fries in their mouth so it isn’t awkward
my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life
I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st
Don’t be afraid to love yourself…
…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.
Sees cute guy in the parking. Drops something so I can bend over & do the sexy hair flip. Forgets I have short hair. He sees me as seizing.
ME: I had to fix dad’s computer after the power surge.
HER: Motherboard?
ME: No, she was watching TV.