*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!
Thank you, they came with the frame.
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Brain: he must study-how?
*Hormones raise hand*
H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life?
B: *whispers*
It’s for his own good.
All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.
someone my age is hot and a successful assassin and I am making powerpoint presentation
Vaccines in Australia are called emunizations.
[At the Dr]
Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.
Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”
You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning
What do electric cars and diarrhea have in common.
The fear of not making it home.
#RubbishJokes
#WednesdayThought
giddy up Office Depot
[me on a ledge]
COP: (through megaphone) WE’VE CALLED SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP!
*Kris Kross steps out of a police van*
Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”
COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer
You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.
One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.
why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials
Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…
Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.
My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.
I had an uncle who died on a trampoline. What he was doing with a trampoline in the middle of the Vietnam War, I’ll never know.
I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot
“You don’t feel well? Pfffft you just don’t want to come over”
Me: fine! I guess I can die just as easy at your house as I can my own
Google Maps should start screaming the more wrong turns you make
[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]
Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*
Wife: what are you doing
Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”
Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom
My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.
Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.
“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out
my husband just committed the cardinal sin of asking my kid what she wants for Christmas so does anyone know where I can get a kids drum set at 6pm on Christmas Eve?