*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!
Thank you, they came with the frame.
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Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili
I overheard 16 tell 12 to come wish me a Happy Mother’s Day. Her response, “I’ve been doing it for 11 years, I think I deserve a break.”
So….guess who has dishes duty today!? And I’m going to use EVERY damn cup, plate and silverware in this house.
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas
one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on
*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough
[Pokémon Pitch]
Writer: pet training with wild animals
Exec: thats already a thing
Writer: kids are the trainers
Exec: seems irresponsible
Writer: they keep them in magic balls until it’s time to fight for scout badges or something
Exec: why
Writer: unclear
Exec: tight
*sits the ceo of ziplock down in an empty room* I have someone I’d like you to meet. *sits down the person in charge of cereal packaging* Figure it out.
They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.
Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.
I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.
[inventor of teapot]
“I want this water to scream”
The cool side of the pillow just stole my bf.
“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
I’m not good at communicating with others these days. I actually started a conversation the other day with “I like your chicken. It’s very fluffy.”
My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?
Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
Someone called me an “alarmist old lady,” when Boomer Doomer was right there.
him, on one knee: will you marry me
her: OMG
onlookers: say yes! say yes!!
me: *mouth full of hotdog* tell us the biggest fight you’ve had so far
This guy just fulfilled everyone’s childhood dream 🤩
Some say cheetahs are the fastest animal at 60 mph. Not true. Dogs have been clocked at 18,000 mph when the Soviets launched one into space.
i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes
I promised my kids a genuine New Year’s party: I’ll be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads
Chuck Norris once broke a mirror over the head of a black cat while standing under a ladder on Friday 13th.The next day he won the lottery
For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31
This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know
god: [creating sharks] make them apex predators of the ocean
angel: sounds fearsome
god: ya but if you punch them in the face they just immediately leave