Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Excited to reach 100k on Gmail, thanks everyone for the support on my creator journey

I have so many mood swings I’m basically a park now

Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.

I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.

Me: yes, I’ll take the free burger
Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one
Me: I only want one though, the free one

I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.

-Herpes

I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking

The gym is really dead on Saturday mornings. I could tell by their empty parking lot as I was sitting in McDonald’s eating hotcakes and sausage.

Back in biblical times they had omelette takeaway restaurants. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.

*married driving*

Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’

Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’

Me, “There’s a warning light on in my car.”
Husband, “What does it say?”
Me, “It’s just a picture of an oblong thing.”
H, “The engine?”
Me, “It looks more like a submarine.”
H, “WHY WOULD THERE BE A SUBMARINE WARNING?”
Me, “Exactly what I thought. We are so connected.”

Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.

Does anyone want a $100 bill? Because I’m giving away $100 bills!

Here, you can have my $100 phone bill… and my $100 grocery bill…. and my $100 insurance bill!

Just found out my 6yo has mono and the doctor who diagnosed her asked if anyone in the house has similar symptoms, including excessive fatigue. Um, Sir, based on that alone, I’ve had mono since 2009.

Him: *seeing my apartment for the first time* I see you’re kind of a minimalist

Me: yes that is correct, I am very poor

me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings

pumpkin patch employee: ok

Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo

today a customer had to wait for blonde roast and he’d had to wait yesterday too and i was like “so sorry this is happening again” and he turned his phone to me and i was like oh no he’s on the phone with head office but he was showing me a video of a rat taking a shower

If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men

Me: *from downstairs* what’s it called when a word describes the sound something makes?

Her: it’s onomatopoeia.

Me: on what mat up there?

GPS: We have arrived at the bank.

Me: Okay, great.

GPS: There are no cops within eight minutes of the bank.

Me: …What?

GPS: It takes three minutes to write a note and get to the front of the line.

Me: I’m not going to rob —

GPS: *Sigh* Fine. We never do anything fun

Going out with a girl who works in cyber security next week so I’m gonna print out all my passwords and ask what she thinks

At least try to make it slightly believable

My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.

My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet

We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.

Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!

I’m awake.

Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.

Looking at pictures of myself as a kid taken just after my mother cut my bangs makes me wonder what she used to mix in her Tang.

“I’ll NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”

-my phone

The grocery store accidentally included chlorine tablets in our order, we don’t have a pool so I guess the kids are getting extra clean in the bath tonight