*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!
Thank you, they came with the frame.
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“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
I wish there were glasses to protect me from all your blurry eclipse pics.
*At the checkout
Cashier: How many croissants?
M: Four
*Cashier eyes up the crumbs on my face.
M: Um six
Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.
‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
Your Hunger Games name is the last injection you got plus the last thing you stepped on. I’m Tetanus Woodscrew
My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?
🤣🤣🤣
I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.
The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.
Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses
[texting]
ME: I like you, I think you’re cute
MY CRUSH: oh um
ME: HAHAHA omg my dog was chewing on my phone lol how did he type that
i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t
*unhooking milker from my gorilla*
wife: still no glue?
Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral
Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?
Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.
Guard: visiting hours are up.
Stages of helping your kids with a project:
1. Ok first off, when is it due?
2. Wait, WHAT??
My wife had the audacity to tell me she “Wanted a break” like she doesn’t already get 5 minutes every day. The psychopath.
To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”
My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.
Things could be worse. You could have to fight a chicken to get to the recipe.
[Weasel & mink are cuddling, watching a nature documentary]
Narrator: …the mink, a close relative of the weasel
Weasel: Oh no Susan oh god
George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
My gf and I broke up and are moving into a 2 bedroom so that we can have our own separate spaces but still continue a domestic partnership which I thought was incredibly progressive but is actually exactly what my catholic aunt and uncle who refuse to get divorced are doing.
holding an old, ratty phone charger cable at just the right angle so that the phone charges is this generation’s rabbit ear antennas for a TV
7yr old: Mum, what happens if you eat lots of tinsel?
Me: probably emergency surgery to prevent obstruction somewhere in your digestive system.
7yr old: *blank face* *small voice* you get tinselitis.
My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.