Looking at a set of 4 placemats on sale for $60.00 from a popular cooking supplies store, “oh you got jokes”
You Might Also Like
please god what the hell did i do to deserve all this *flashback to 12 years ago when i threw a flashbang at my own team in CounterStrike*
[scans box of condoms at self checkout]
UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA
[scans again]
UNEXPECTED ITEM
wtf [scans again]
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU
I tried to cover myself in plastic wrap as a sexy surprise, but we were out and this aluminum foil is getting itchy…
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]
Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?
Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber
C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.
No, I don’t want to hang out at your house. Your pot to snacks ratio is all off.
Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!
I don’t hate you I just wish your next period is in a shark tank
GOD: *invents mouse* I like it
MOUSE: Yes this is “mousestanding” work haha
GOD: *invents cat*
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.
genie: you get three wishes
me: i wish you were terrible at math
genie: ok you’re out of wishes
me: wait no
Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.
[How salad was created]
You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.
– Single piece of lettuce
*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*
Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.
Friend: your kid is bouncing off the walls and running everywhere!
Me: yeah… she’s super tired
Friend: tired?
Me: it’s complicated
Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit
I haven’t cried since 1997, when I saw the movie Armageddon and realised Ben Affleck was going to be a big movie star.
My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death
Maternity confirmed
Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day
I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”
Sure, we’ve all been through hard times, but even when I waitressed part time during college and ate ramen noodles every night for dinner I still saved my money for important things like Charmin double ply mega rolls.
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is
Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song