Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.

Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.

[Tornado warning]
Me: It says to seek shelter.
Husband: We’re in the house.
M: They mean the basement.
H: I’m more afraid of the basement than I am a tornado.

Intelligence:

Below average – Loves Joe Rogan

Average – Thinks he’s okay and listens occasionally

Above average – Despises Joe Rogan

Genius level – Never heard of Joe Rogan

Top 1% genius – Have never heard of Joe Rogan but are scheduled to be on his show next week

I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her

Ever since I learned the show is called Suits because of lawsuits and not because they wear suits, I have harbored a hot white rage within me beyond anything mankind has ever known.

I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.

Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit

*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*

ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?

Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.

Me: it’s bed time!

My kids: PARKOUR!

My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the living room. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.

Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.

[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.

Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.

Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?

Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?

I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting

Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend

Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.

I got fired for telling customers if they wanted “smoking or non-smoking”.

Apparently the correct term in the funeral home business is “cremation or burial”.

My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard. 

I have a three year old, a one year old, and a dog, and when I discover that someone chewed up my magazine and peed on the rug the dog is never my primary suspect.

I bet there is a Home Alone script where the parents purposely leave for the airport without any of the kids.

Wife: you’re drunk
Me: no’m not
Wife: I’M JUST A POOR BOY NOBODY LOVES ME
Me: HE JURSTA PRO BROY FUMMA FLOOR FLAMLEE
Wife:
Me: ok lil bit

On a packed bus googling “how to tell the person sitting next to you that you love them”

Drive thru service was invented for those of us who don’t have the energy to look presentable at 6 in the morning but need that coffee.

I’m so sorry dunkin donuts drive thru window worker.

Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.

The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.

I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19