Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.

I can’t cook dinner if the can opener is broken, so I drove over it a few times just to make sure.

If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.

me, realizes 5 is hiding behind the couch: what are you doing back there?

5: nothing…I don’t have scissors

A Haiku For My Salad:

I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad

get you someone as goofy as you.. is.

Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.

Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?

My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee

Watched a guy buy several single bananas at various stages of ripeness (instead of a bunch). Realized I was in the presence of genius.

“Do you moan when you eat?”

Me, making small talk in an elevator

Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.

That time Alicia messaged me

This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.

*Weather changes*
BODY: This is weird. Must have an asthma attack.
*Anything else changes*
MIND: This is weird. Must have a panic attack.

[1st date]

WAITER: and how would you like your steak, miss?

HER: definitely not wooden *winks across table*

DRACULA: *just glares at her*

Stretching and yawning at the same time might not look so sexy but it looks like you’re a Pokemon evolving so that’s cool.

My son told me he thought a break room was a room where employees could go break stuff to take out their frustrations and as someone who worked retail, I can say that would’ve been awesome

Mike Huckabee calls Obama a “pretend Christian”, and if anyone’s an expert on “pretend Christians”, it’s Mike Huckabee.

The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.

One time I ate so much Trader Joe’s tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said “for the kids only” and that’s just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history

I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!

Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.

3 Best Uses for Oven Timers:

1. Remind you of beer in the freezer
2. Pizza rolls
3. Notify guests when their time’s up & they should leave

My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.

[Giraffes at gym]

“What do you want to work on today?”

Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before.

“So…neck day again”

You bet

I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.

It doesn’t matter if you’re filming a segment for TV or not, if you’re hanging out with Tom Cruise, at some point you’re jumping out of a plane

“After you.”
“No, after you.”
“I insist.”
“Sure?”
“Please.”
“If you insist.”
“I do.”
“I’ve finished.”
“Thank you.”

– Canadian Dirty Talk

me: did you know there’s a complex named after you

oedipus: haha, I’m not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?

me:

oedipus: andrew? what par—what did they name it after?