*looking at a stalactite*
ME: Man, look at that stalagmite!
GUIDE: —tite
ME: Right? Dope as hell.
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Me: siphoning thrills, fantasy and romance from the library’s books
Friend: why can’t you just say “I’m reading”
Do people who pay $20 for corn mazes know that you can go get lost in Ikea for only the price of three days of meatballs?
What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?
I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.
Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!
Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left
Me: oh no
Doctor: my next appointment is here
Me: ohhh jesus I thought
Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will
Ever look at someone and automatically get a headache..
It’s like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.
I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.
People are having sex, kissing, and cuddling right now and you are reading this….. trust me I’m not happy about this either🙄🙄🙄
*agrees with someone online* Yeah, I agree.
*disagrees with someone online* YOU’RE NOT JUST WRONG YOU’RE HITLER AND I HATE YOU FOREVER
Pig: will we be friends forever?
Winnie the bear: no
Pig: friends until we die?
Winnie the bear: friends until I learn how to make sausages
“I like big nuts and I cannot lie/Raisins, M&Ms I can’t deny”
-Sir Trail Mix-A-Lot
Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.
(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)
WHY DOES THIS BOTTLE OF BODY WASH HAVE DIRECTIONS PRINTED ON IT
Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro
dr: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
dr: so how often is that?
me: *turning to 12* when were you born?
[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
“why isn’t he wearing a shirt”
we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote
I have a huge bruise on my face and a concussion, today my nurse friend asked if I was safe at home, considering I was home alone when this happened, the answer is no.
*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?
I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…
Bro what is this
My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.
“machines will soon be as smart as people” ok but WHICH people
It’s not a question of when will my daughter say mommy, it’s a question of when won’t she
Google photos: hey, here’s a picture from 10 years ago
Me: looks down and realizes I’m wearing the same shirt today
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
Ain’t gonna lie. Growing up, I thought Bermuda triangle is gonna be a bigger problem than it turned out to be.