Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him

Rival Gang Leader:
Me:
Rival Gang Leader’s mom: [nudges son] go on
Rival Gang Leader: sorry I tried to shoot you

If you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy taken. Real happiness comes from The Cheesecake Factory, not relationships.

*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”

I’d hit that

-me, to my snooze alarm

A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.

Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.

UK Scientist: We’ve engineered a new species of cyanobacteria

U.S. scientist: We’ve made pigs in a blanket 50% piggier

Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up

Her: *throws up*

Him: *throws up in her hair*

Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there

Well, this is awkward

Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?

The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble

I don’t understand the concept of “the man of your dreams”.

Every time my wife wakes up after dreaming about me, she is REALLY pissed off about something dream me did

My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close

Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?

Me: *panicking* coniferous

All 3 accessible parking places in the school parking lot were taken by parents without accessible placards. So I parked sideways behind them and blocked all three in with my placard displayed. 😘

Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.

The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.

Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?

I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.

dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?

me: what’s your sign

chef: spisces

I’m telling you, stress doesn’t give you grey hair. Even after this awful year I don’t have a single grey

I only have 27 hairs left on my head but none of them are grey

My husband likes to tell me he doesn’t want to have sex by waiting for me to bring up the last bag of groceries before asking if I need help

My mind: Age is just a number!

My lower back: Lolololololol

Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime

John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more

I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time.

Yeah I walked into a rack at Wal-Mart

Picture the perfect woman.

Wrong.

You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.

There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.

What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear