Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.

Whenever I go to a restaurant without my kids, I feel like something is missing…

DOES ANYONE NEED THEIR TUSHY WIPED?!

As it turns, all of those signs I drive by on roads and highways have words on them.

On a related note, my new contacts came in.

10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.

My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with

After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.

Showerkraut

Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid

Grant me the supernatural ability to change the things I cannot accept.

Are you dating a bunch of bees?

How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?

God: you have eight legs.

Spider: do I-do I need eight legs?

God: tbh no one really needs eight of anything.

Spider:

God:

Spider:

God: also you have eight eyes.

Hey babe…wanna come over and fold me like a fitted sheet?

You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?

75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.

I can’t cook dinner if the can opener is broken, so I drove over it a few times just to make sure.

People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.

Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.

Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door

A few years ago my dad was driving me to my chemo appointment. Silence. He looked intense. I couldn’t imagine what he was feeling, I’m not a parent. I took his hand and said “what’s on your mind?”

He said “man…having antlers would be crazy”.

Hardest I’ve laughed. Carry on.

My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”

Things a raccoon and I have in common:

1) Dark circles around the eyes.
2) Likes eating junk.
3) We’re both cute but will kill you.

Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.

Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*

Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.

*lint rolls you awake*

me: THAT’S IT YOU’RE GROUNDED
son: [shrugs]
me: U LOSE UR PHONE
son: ok
me: AND UR COMPUTER
son: whatever
me: AND…AND…
son: [smirks]
me: NO GRAVITY FOR A WEEK
son: wait, no- [smacks into ceiling]

[during sex]

Can you please take your Fitbit off.

haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come my ancestors are calling me towards this really bright light because i ate some clams i found in the denny’s parking lot?

meeting beyonce and telling her i loved her in goldmember and mentioning nothing about her music career just to see if it throws her off

My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs