Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

With Laughter the L comes first, the rest comes aughter

Million-dollar idea:

Upload your podcast to YouTube, but with a video of a generic-looking Zoom meeting, so people can tune in and pretend they’re working. It looks like important quarterly sales stuff, but it’s really The True Crime Murder And Makeup Tips Hour.

Them: ‘It’s a long story.’

Me: ‘How does it end?’

Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.

I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.

Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.

She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.

You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.

I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head

Win some, lose some

It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change

[Movie Theater]
ME: I’ll take a medium popcorn.

CASHIER: For just $2 more you can get it in a tub so big no human could actually finish it.

ME: No thanks.

CASHIER: It comes with free refills.

ME: I do like free refills…

Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.

*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*

*puts it on a squirrel*

Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.

The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.

Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.

me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*

website: we need you to call for that

me: *calls*

phone message: we’re busy, use the website

me: screams into the void

the void: please use the website

Cellmate: What are you in for?

Me: The free food and healthcare

The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.

[chiropractor]
Dr., your client Tony is here
-Tony? The guy whose skin is made of bubble wrap
Yes
-Oh hell yes clear the rest of my schedule

Packing my daughter’s prom kit…lip gloss, stun gun, pepper spray, switchblade, and I’ve uploaded all 5 seasons of Teen Mom to her iPhone.

Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard

And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”

My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.

My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.

If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.

Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.

been making the same muffin recipe forever and tonight I finally remembered it by heart. I can’t express how good it felt to know exactly what to do and how disgusting they tasted because I forgot the eggs.

Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.

If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.