Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My son (4 years old), who has grown up watching us talk to Siri and Alexa, thinks you can talk to anything that has a screen or is plugged into the wall. This morning he told the toaster to order him a new lego set.

I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.

if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off

Homosexuality was classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979 — Swedes protested by calling into work sick, saying they “felt gay.”

[1st date]

So, what’s your back story?

“I have scoliosis”

No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history

“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”

jesus [resurrected from the dead]: alright boys let’s get them eggs

peter: w-what

jesus: egg hunt it’s a thing we’re doing now

john: are you ok

peter: jesus you seem a little… off

jesus: *turning chicken into marshmallow* you have to do this every year

I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation

A ’diagnosis’ is always bad. No one says ”I was diagnosed with a great sense of humor and a new understanding of global economics.”

Hungry me has no respect for bathroom scale me.

Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce

This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.

I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.

DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur

ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here

opening twitter before 9am is crazy like did you even try to have a good day

Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”

After a pretty wild late night last night, I was awoken at 8am by my neighbor mowing his lawn.

At first I was going to confront him about it but then I thought, whatever. He can just mow around me.

push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit

a fat bumblebee keeps bumping into the window trying to get inside and ignores me explaining that outside with the sun and fresh air and flowers is where he wants to be so I’m holding my laptop up to the glass to show him I’m doing my taxes and convince him this is the bad place

Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.

I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.

[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.

Executioner: last words?

Me: pop

Executioner: we say soda here

Me:

Executioner: say soda

Warden: bro it’s LAST words he won’t-

Executioner: I’M NOT PULLING TIL HE SAYS SODA

On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.

Me: I just need some alone time away from the kids

Wife: When?

Me: Between 2 and 5

Wife: Ok

Me: I’ll be back when they’re 6

All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon

[cop sniffing me] you’re all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] I’ll try

This going into the office stuff blows. Like, I seriously have to wear clothes now.

They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.

I live with my husband, and my 14 y.o. son. I have learned that if I want to hide anything in our house all I need to do is put it behind something else and they’ll never find it.