Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

As I sail away from the Island of Lollipops, never to return, tears well in my eyes and I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. “So long, suckers,” I whisper through trembling lips

Doctor: Are you sexually active?

Me: LMAO! The question should be when am I NOT sexually active!!

Doctor: ok when are you not sexually active?

Me: All the time

°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped

“Tuna?”
“Yes.”
“Catnip?”
“On the list.”
“What about-“
“Relax Alvin, I got this.”

i NEVER VOTED FOR A PRESiDENT BECUZ iF iM GUNNA WASTE MY GAS THEN iT BETTER BE ON SOMETHiNG iMPORTANT LiKE DRiViNG TO CHiCK-FiL-A

How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?

Men: 58

Women: 1

Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.

Banana: 105 calories.

Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.

A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig

Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark

If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.

THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise

MOBSTER: *cracks knuckles*

ME: that supposed to intimidate me?

*his fingers start to glow like glowsticks*

ME: k I’m scared but thats rad

“Church is like prison for me: they can’t keep me out.”

– Midnight, a church friend

[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me

[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not

My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.

me: what time is it?
tour guide: 4:20
me: how can you tell?
tour guide: See how high the sun is?
[sun is eating spaghettiOs with a spatula]

ㅤ

Them: You have a debt to society

Me: Well they can get in line

Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?

You can initiate peekaboo with the toddler in the next booth, but are you prepared to continue it throughout dinner? I didn’t think so.

Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.

Cinderella update where the girl leaves her Invisalign on the table as she flees the party & the prince tries to fit it into the mouth of every girl in the land

I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters

In case anyone was wondering. I only missed 2 words this week on my 3rd graders practice spelling test.

4th grade will be tough for us. Please say a prayer.

No, you’re not getting it your honor

At McDonalds

Cashier: You total is to tell your kids that you love them

Me: Look lady if I loved them I wouldn’t be feeding them this crap

I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.

Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.

On all dating sites, my profile name is Chupacabra, and my profile picture is a Chupacabra, which surprisingly does not deter men at all.

6: Mommy, why is that man wearing his baseball cap backwards?

Me: Because he was alive in the 1990s, sweetheart