[ looking at family pictures ]
Kid: where am I?
Me: you weren’t born yet
[ later ]
Kid: *drawing family*
Me: where’s mommy?
Kid: you weren’t born yet
Damn
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If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.
There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.
I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.
some people wear bees as beards you say? well that seems pretty foolish to me because I have had only one bee on my face and it is terrifying
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body
[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned
I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore
Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.
The most unrealistic thing about sitcoms is couples comfortably sharing a full size mattress
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install
Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.
Stop naming your dogs Bella.
We are full.
My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo
Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!
In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.
My… My daughters built a slug hospital and found 30+ “patients” who are now escaping and nothing in the parenting books prepared me for this.
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 7 times you must be a car that looks like mine in the mall parking lot
Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎
I think it’s obvious that Goo Goo Dolls and Lady Gaga should do a side project together and call it Goo Goo Gaga.
The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.
Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!
Coronavirus: LOL
“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”
mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son
BREAKING NEWS
Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015
Use it while you can, white girls
[skywriting]
Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.
We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn