[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders
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I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.
One nice thing about my kids sleeping so late in the summer is that I save money on breakfast foods because it’s been completely eliminated from their diets.
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
Guys, don’t take the first step cause girls hate that easy guy. Also, you must take the first step cause they hate the shy one. Good luck!
They’re really bad with fonts.
When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos
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”I wonder how long cake is good for before it goes stale?”
*I say to myself as I eat the last slice from a cake made earlier that day
Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.
My wife texted me asking which rug would look best with our floors so now I’m frantically scrolling through her old texts hoping that at some point she’s texted pictures of what our floors look like.
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
I just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I expect that’ll come back to bite me.
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me: okay. I’ll stop twerking now
Barbie gave me unrealistic body standards like that my head would fall off.
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
new york is like a toxic boyfriend, all winter you’re like why does he treat me this way and then spring hits and you’re like wow he loves me so so much
oh shit. i’m at a doctors appointment, and i legit forgot to take the sugar glider out of my sports bra. let’s hope she stays asleep!!!
colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan
Normalise following up to an ignored email with “helllooooooo?”
I’m not allowed in hot yoga – I can only get into he might clean up ok yoga
Costco often changes the floor plan to keep the animals engaged as they search for their next meal.
[space launch]
ASTRONAUT: houston we have a problem
ME: *elbows him* lol we’re gonna get mooned
ASTRONAUT: *sighs* houston we have two problems
My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.
[Cat Businessmen]
“Geez, Phil, you look exhausted. Being a new father is tough, huh.”
*sighs* I only got 16 hours of sleep last night.
[Pokémon Pitch]
Writer: pet training with wild animals
Exec: thats already a thing
Writer: kids are the trainers
Exec: seems irresponsible
Writer: they keep them in magic balls until it’s time to fight for scout badges or something
Exec: why
Writer: unclear
Exec: tight
me: ted is coming over tonight
wife: i always feel ostricized when ted is over
me: hun, *i take her hand* you are nothing like a giant bird
A rich person walking around like “oh my, where are my manors?”
When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years
Driving along the expressway and a truck with an open tailgate just bounced a cooler into the lane ahead of me and I didn’t even panic all those years of Mario Kart finally paid off
Me: Forever young!
Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.
Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.