[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders
You Might Also Like
Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead.
*scrolls ur TL*
*finds ur tweet from 2 yrs ago.*
*eerily similar to mine from day before*“She stole my tweet AND built a time machine?!”
I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.
“I’m an animal in the bedroom.”
you like when people scratch your belly?
My husband thinks The Bachelor show is fake, they’re all there to be actors, and that it’s total bullshit.
Then he turned to wrestling.
Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.
If you’re still trying to decide on your plans for Easter weekend, ask yourself “What would Jesus do?” and definitely don’t do that.
My kid lost a tooth and the Tooth Fairy doesn’t have anything less than a $20 bill.
This is not the motherhood I envisioned.
Good guy: *kills henchman*
Henchman: wow
Good guy: [to bad guy] I’m not going to kill you, that would make me a murderer like you
Henchman: WOW
[mom ridiculing me in front of new GF]
“Luke was afraid to go into family changing rooms until 22 because he thought he’d get a new family”
How is it that my kids can never find their own shoes but…
Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer.
The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.
a depressed madame curie is a sighentist.
Me: Look, even if you could breathe underwater, no one wants to be Aquaman.
4yo: Who’s Aquaman?
Me: EXACTLY!
[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do
you can’t prove that threatening a toilet doesn’t work
Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?
Me: Don’t you talk to me like you are paying me for what I do
Boss:
Boss: But I am paying you for what you do!
Me: What did I just say!!
Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.
I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
Kid: Mom! We’re out of snacks!
Me: Sucks for you…
Kid: What?
Me: Ok I’ll get more when I run to the store sweetie!
it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill
I don’t even care if it’s a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
The worst part of marriage is when you do something stupid, the best part of marriage is when your partner does something stupid
Dating profile at 26: I’m cute and interesting and funny and I will find everything you say super interesting. Let’s get married.
46:
I like what I like. I’m not growing my hair long just so you can pet it. I have one cankle, and I bloat after eating. Hit me up.
Not me, adding double spaces after a period to annoy my teen.
My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.
