[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders
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“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks
Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!
My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”
[watching Queer Eye]
tan france on TV: *holding up a shirt* this is ghaaastly. this is the oogliest shirt i have evah seen.
me at home: *looks down* *is wearing the exact same shirt*
He’s been preparing for this moment his entire life 😂😭
[A field]
*An elderly Louie Pasteur and I sit among the clover, I hold a shotgun*
Me: It’s time to put you out to pasture. *Cocks shotgun*
I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!
That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision
-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance
Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes
Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.
maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there
Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?
[Wheel]
_’D L_K_ TO SOL__ TH_ P_ZZL_
I’d like to solve the puzzle, Pat
Go ahead
I’d like to solve the puzzle
Yes, go ahead
No, I’d like to..
Valuable child raising tip from the New York Times
There is no “we” in chocolate.
[creation]
GOD: You are all special in my eyes
KANGAROO: I don’t feel that special
GOD: Look in your pocket
KANGAROO: Holy sh-
Next time I open up to somebody it will be an autopsy.
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.
“Despite my best efforts, my hot air balloon just isn’t going to fly.”
“Dude, that’s a bike with a blanket on it.”
“My best efforts.”
[holding hands]
Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all
Her: Something’s changed in here.
Me: I put a new bulb in.
Her: Well it’s not very bright
Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.
“we’re broke? how is that possible?”
(extremely high pitched voice)
no idea
“did you-”
*opens closet & hundreds of helium tanks fall out*
Firefighter: We have reports of a large fire??
Starbucks employee:
Firefighter: *audible sigh* Can you direct me to the VENTI fire?
Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny
Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby
My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.
My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.
“OMG, it’s so big!”
(Your ego)