[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders
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If you commit a crime be sure to wear running clothes, so if you need to flee the scene cops will just think “Look at that healthy jogger”
They say old habits die hard…
My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.
A good prank if you’re in line behind a baby at Starbucks and the mother isn’t paying attention is to give the baby a thousand dollars
(True)
#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.
For all the people who doubted me:
You were right
*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*
DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.
I’m always fascinated when people in movies run from a madman and then hide and hold their breath. Sometimes I snort for air and get a little sweaty while reaching for a puzzle piece that’s juuuuust out of reach across the table.
I LEFT MY TEDDY IN MY ROOM AND THE HOUSEKEEPER DID THIS??;!;!;!!;!;
Me: I was going to but decided I have a headache.
Friend: How do you just “decide” to have a headache?
Me: uh oh now I have a hearing problem.
Really, Beyonce? You’re a multi-millionaire, and you expect people to believe you use £4.99 Loreal makeup?
I’m usually a smart man but when my wife went into labor with our first born I brought my laptop to the hospital because my Farmville crops needed to be harvested before they died. She really had bad timing with that whole “labor” thing.
CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?
I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable
How I know my 4yo’s in a little salty mood today:
Huggies commercial: “I’m a big kid now!”
4yo: “…no you’re not…”
FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to
It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.
I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..
Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?
Doctor: How long have you been in pain?
Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997
If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room
Burglar: *breaks into my house*
Wife: Quick honey, grab something!
Me: lol why have you brought your wife with you
Burglar: Shut up, she gives good advice
I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.
Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.
a media executive i worked for called me once in a panic at midnight because he saw a youtube clip of a manatee with eight million views and he wanted to know why our site’s videos didn’t have eight million views and i said we should pivot to manatees
Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.
Me: I’ll end up doing the laundry later or later.
Husband: Don’t you mean “I’ll do it sooner or later”?
Me: Aww thanks babe, I hate laundry.
[job interview]
Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?
Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.