[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders
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I bought a CD today.
Now I’m waiting for my carriage to take me home, because I have laundry to do at the river and butter to churn.
My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.
To accommodate the size of my wife’s new water bottle we’ve replaced the passenger seat of her car with a cupholder
[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.
finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all
I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions
The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.
I’m “befuddled to learn that people make money on YouTube by just reacting to other people’s YouTube videos even though my son has explained this to me many times” years old.
I wish I had my mom’s zest for living. she once took a kitchen knife and carved a giant hole in the wall of her closet because she “always wanted a house with a secret passage.” mom you live in a trailer
People say to feng shui your home to get rid of negative energy, so I made my family go stand outside before blocking the front door with the couch.
Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.
I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.
I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.
Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
My boss to a new applicant: You never get a second chance to make a first impression right?
Me about to inflict some post traumatic amnesia on him with a computer monitor: ʷᵉ’ˡˡ ˢᵉᵉ ᵃᵇᵒᵘᵗ ᵗʰᵃᵗ.
I said I wanted my bamboo “grilled”…not toasted. GRILLED! Why is this so difficult to understand? I want to see your manager.
Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs
I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on
Had that dream again where I was the Pied Piper…but I was playing the saxophone and all the moms in the neighborhood were following me around.
*eats only grass-fed donuts
#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women
You know the saying “if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again”? Yeah, that doesn’t work when vacuuming up a pancake.
Dr: How may I help?
Me: Wife says I’m overweight
D: Yes, I see you’ve a very healthy appetite. OK, let’s talk gastric bands
[later]
Wife: How’d it go?
M: Good! He said I was very healthy, then just wanted to chat about music
Jesus: and when there was but 1 set of footprints, there I carried u
Me: (checks fitbit) ok, phew, it counted the steps, I still got credit
When they try to steal your moment.
I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it’s my neighbor’s window and he looks angry.
The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.
What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.
*drops acid*
Ok, go.