Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study
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(Job interview)
The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later
Me: Okay, I’ll start later then
I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.
My wife teaches high school math and half of her time is spent just making sure that none of the math problems she gives to the kids end up with an answer of 69 or 420
Guessing game but it’s when you’ve bought so many things off amazon you’ve forgot what’s in the boxes being delivered.
Primenesia?
[Job Interview]
Boss: What is your best trait?
Me: Procrastination.
B: How is that a positive?
M: I’ll give you my reasons. Later.
Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.
Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.
I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…
…or a giant gorilla.
~Super Mario’s mom probably
Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.
I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tomorrow is open Mike night.
genie: hello-
me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade
One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
If I was the editor of Vogue, I’d just put an actual skeleton on the cover with the headline, “Feel bad yet? You should, Fatty.”
My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now
Our daughter ran away from home
once when she was a teenager.We were frantic.
Within months, we called the police
to report her missing.
April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.
Cheers!
CASHIER: would you like to donate one dollar to charity?
ME: no thank you
SATAN (sitting on a throne made of human skulls): excellent choice
Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.
Did you hear about how people in Athens don’t even wake up until noon?
They say dawn is pretty tough on Greece.
her: there’s a huge spider in the kitchen
me: I’ll take care of it[2 minutes later]
her: is it done?
me: yah, house goes up for sale tomorrow
The year is 1997. Your Tamagotchi is thriving. You just set a new personal best with your Bop It. Your mom packed Dunkaroos in your lunch. Everyone at school wants to be your friend. Life is good.
The year is 2020. You just found out Dunkaroos are coming back. Life is good.
They should have made a pool raft that looked like a broken door when Titanic was in theaters.
I bet it would have sold millions.
Doctor: [puts my arm in a sling]
Me: wait—
Doctor: [fires my arm out the window]
Me: wtf
Doctor: [shouting out the window] next time it’s a leg STAY OUT OF MY PARKING SPACE
t-shirt is short for “television shirt”
“Let them fake cake”
Marie Internette
My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.
Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!
*Answers door naked*
Jehovah’s Witnesses… 😲
Me: Do you have a moment to let me tell you about my sex life? Here, have this pamphlet.