Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.
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I couldn’t be a magician. I’d never be able to make something just vanish into thin air.
ALSO ME: I’m gonna put this in a safe place…
[speed dating]
Me “Why are you covered in blood?”
Her “it’s just a conversation starter!
Me:…
Her: And it worked! So… what blood type are you?”
What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”
Sure breakups are hard, but have you ever had to wait for your phone to stop ringing you so you can start using it again?
[ autumn, 1579 ]
pumpkin farmer: i say, you’ve spilled your spice on my pumpkins!
spice merchant: poppycock! for YOU have gotten your pumpkin in MY spice!
susan: *rising up out of a barrel* omg this is sooo good I want like 12 ventis all in my mouth
Startup idea: a gym named Resolution that runs for the 1st month of the year, collects subscription fee, then converts to a bar named Regret
All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.
I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
I could tell my beard needed a trim when I started seeing some of the pictures my 6yo was drawing of me.
me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go
uh yeah, I accept. No brainer
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
I’m not sure what the record is for hotdog eating contests, but the record for tofu dog eating is less than one.
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?
me: he’s my life coach
her: you wanna go to olive garden?
*duck whispers in my ear*
me: that’s a yes
No one gaslights better than a toddler caught red-handed.
[Toddler covered in icing]
Did you touch the cake?
NO YOU DID
I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.
Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.
Captain: *opens treasure chest* Arrgh! It be just a mirror!
First Mate: Look closely, Cap’n
Captain: *studies* The treasure… is me?
Crew: Happy Birthday, Cap’n!
Captain: *sniff* Yarrr
me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.
Thanks for wishing me a Happy Monday, you’ve changed my entire outlook. I don’t hate Monday anymore. I hate you. Happy New Sworn Enemy.
I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.
Probably one of the hardest things for Pinocchio to pull off was complimenting his friend’s experimental theater piece.
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers
(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)
poor people rarely die from ski related injuries
me: it’s okay in my book
5: what book? can I see the book?
me: it’s hypothetical
5: what’s hypothetical mean?
me: well, um, hold on, there’s gotta be a book around here somewhere…
The correct etiquette is to always use a fish knife when eating fish; a tomato knife when eating tomatoes; and a Swiss Army knife when eating the Swiss Army.