Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.
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good cop: don’t make me get the bad cop in here
bad cop: [pulling on the push door] almost got it
good cop: god he is so bad at everything
Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids
[first date]
HER: i’m really into guys-
ME (eager to impress her): me too
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.
A few dozen cupcakes tripped and fell into my mouth against my will.
Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.
Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.
Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
[Quarantine]
Day 1: I love the way your nose wrinkles when you’re happy.
Day 6: do you notice when you crack your toes like that?
Day 13: IT’S CALLED EATING NOT COMPETITIVE JAW CLICKING STFU WITH YOUR FACE NOISES
Milk Cube
Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.
“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.
Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.
Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!
In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.
FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry
It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.
Her: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Don’t leave me oh please! Why?
Her: It’s the way you have to arrange every sentence you say alphabetically, it’s weird.
Me: No oh 🙁
Me: [Sits down to eat breakfast]
Girlfriend: Babe, you forgot the French Toast
Me: Oh sorry [raises glass] VIVE LA FRANCE!
Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.
*plot twist*
plot: ouch!!!
*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*
[first date]
Him: What are you passionate about?
Me: *bats eyelashes* Taxidermy.
Him: Animals?
Me: Haha. Sure…
And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”
Priest: may God rest his soul
*casket begins to lower*
*I start clapping*
*everyone looks at me*
Me: sorry was that not the end of it
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.
Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.